ShareWIK.com

Last night I went on my first date. 

In 14 years. 

It may be another 14 years before I do it again.

My date was a doctor. Correction: surgeon. I think I should have started with a paper boy.

On my drive home, as I replayed in my mind every excruciating moment, I had a feeling that I’d broken every dating rule ever written.  So when I arrived home, I went to www.godthisisawkward at firstdate.com. I read in horror the long list of “dating don’ts.” Sure enough, I had unwittingly committed nearly every one:

1. Do not talk about your ex-spouse on a first date.  I practically told my ex’s life story: his terrible childhood, his resultant baggage, his brilliant mind, and the fact that, although he is my ex, we’re still good friends and I love him.  At this point, I’m sure my date was trying to determine how long it would be before my ex and I were back together…unless he was too busy looking for the restaurant’s emergency exit. Thankfully, I left out the part about my ex having intimacy issues and all that that implies. How I managed to contain this part of the story, I have no idea. I must have actually let my date speak. 
   
2. Do not mention sex.  Well, technically, I did not break this rule, as I believe this means you’re not supposed to say you’d like to have sex on the first date.  But here’s the rub: since my job involves teens and their everyday challenges, when my date asked what the research shows, I could have mentioned peer pressure, drinking or drugs. But instead I mentioned the trend of girls giving boys oral sex as routinely as we used to French kiss. Only I didn’t say “oral sex,” I said “blow jobs.” Talk about polite dinner conversation!  According to firstdate.com, this is grounds for an end to any date, unless you’re actually offering said blow job. I don’t think I scored any extra points in the lady-like department when I tried back-pedaling, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for oral sex.”  Although my date did perk up a bit after that.
   

3. Ladies should not drink beer.  Not only did I drink a beer, I explained that the café we were patronizing used to carry a fabulous beer that is no longer available due to the fact that the brewery -- which had been owned by a woman – recently shut down and I was disappointed because it was one of the best-tasting beers I had ever had and if I could, I would buy that brewery.  I said it all without a breath, just like it reads here.  At which point my date said, naturally, “Oh, you really know your beers.”  I don’t think he meant it as a compliment. 

4. Do not talk about marriage.  I have no idea why my date asked me what makes  a good marriage, since I had recently decided that marriage pretty much kills a relationship.  (By the way, there is no rule about trashing marriage; the website must feel that this is so obvious it need not be mentioned.  Obviously, they were wrong.)  I think this is one of those Miss America-type questions, where I should have talked about saving the world and feeding the hungry.  Instead, coming from the marriage I was in (see number 1 above), the first thing I said was “sexual compatibility.”  My date said surely I meant the greater good of intimacy and closeness. I guess that was his Miss America response. But I was steadfast in my answer.  After a while, my senses returned and I remembered to mention trust, respect and the true number-one for me, sense of humor.  So maybe he thought I was kidding all along.  One can only hope.
   

5. Do not reveal your shortcomings.  Does this even need to be said?  Apparently to me it does. Toward the end of the evening, it became apparent that I am geographically challenged. In fact, I can sum up the entire date in a single word: Okinawa.  You see, my date was very well-traveled and we talked about the places he’d been. At one point, the noise level rose just as my date said that one of his favorite places was “Nawa.”  That’s all I heard: “Nawa.”  I asked, “Where?” If only I had asked, “What?” And he said, dryly, “Okinawa. You know, in Pearl Harbor?”  Which I translated to mean: “You actually graduated college?”  I nodded with a knowledgeable look, but my head was swimming: geography AND world history in the same sentence?  (The High School basketball coach taught history.) By now, the notion of excusing myself and crawling out the ladies room window was looking like my best bet. FYI: I Googled Pearl Harbor later that night. Pearl Harbor is not in Okinawa. So now I’m wondering if he’s slapping himself on the head going, “How dumb am I?  Did I actually say Pearl Harbor is in Okinawa?”  Maybe we both sum up the date with that one word…

6. Do not kiss good night on the first date.  Gotcha. You don’t actually think I got close to breaking this rule, do you?  Instead, I did the awkward shaking hands with my non-handshaking hand thing.  It was like I was possessed by my grandmother. Needless to say, there was no “I  hope to see you again.”  It wasn’t until I got into my car that I realized I hadn’t taken a breath for the past three hours. Surely the lack of oxygen was responsible for my geeky behavior?  If I had only passed out, the evening would have gone much better. 

There are actually 22 “don’ts” on firstdate.com.  Among the ones I managed to avoid were:

§  Don’t smoke. Not cigarettes, not marijuana, not crack cocaine. 

§  Do not bring your child.  Duh.  I also left the baby album in the car at the last minute. So there.

§  Do not recite from the bible.  Although I managed to avoid both testaments, I did quote a People Magazine article, which is actually number 11 the “don’ts” list.

§  Do not tell your parents you are going on a date.  When I called my folks the next day to give them a brief synopsis, I heard my father yell to my mother, “Cancel the caterer, honey.”  I then explained that I wouldn’t be telling them about any future dates since I never again wanted to make the day-after-the-date phone call.  For this, my mother has not spoken to me in a week -- which is sort of the silver lining to this whole ordeal.

Although it‘s hard to tell from my rate-a-date score, I’m glad I went, if for no other reason than to have done it.  My date even made an understanding comment about motherhood when I pointed out that mine was the mini-van parked among the Lexuses and BMWs.  I had considered renting a convertible but nixed the idea when I thought about how weird it would be if we made it to date number two and I had to explain why my cool car had turned into a mommy-mobile.  Obviously, I needn’t have worried about date number two. 

As for showing up in that mini-van in the first place? Violation of rule number 22. 

Ginger’s stats are scary/impressive: she went on 87 first dates in two years (some as short as coffee or a walk in the park) and she was viewed 48,700 times on match.com. And no, it was not all by her mother.