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What turns you on? 

I’m not talking about where and how you want to be touched.  I’m asking you to think about what is the fantasy underlying your sexual desire. As I said last time, there are two broad forms of fantasy; one is the fantasy of soul-level, tender love so popular with intimate 21st century lovers. The other is the fantasy of power and submission that has dominated animal and human sexuality since all this got started.

So in this column, let’s talk about power and submission. Why? Because if the only way that you get turned on with your spouse is through the fantasy of tender love, then you’re leaving out a lot of the juice that drives sex for most couples.  Couples that only allow one fantasy to drive their sexuality eventually become bored and may give up on sex all together.

Think about your most passionate lovemaking experiences; I’d be willing to guess the experience was one where you were either being powerful or submitting to your partner’s power.  While one position actively expresses power or dominance, both positions are very powerful. 

In Passionate Marriage, author David Schnarch describes how couples often avoid passionate sex because it may involve expressing “aggression” with someone you love. Aggression or power is considered “bad” because love is “supposed to be tender.”  This is another twist on the Madonna/Whore paradox where a woman who likes sex too much is “bad.”  As Schnarch puts it, “Some people become sexual vegetarians in marriage but carnivorous in extramarital affairs.”  We are by nature animal and vegetable lovers, and if we dismiss or ignore one of these parts of ourselves, half of our nature is being denied expression.  

So what happens when we deny an important part of our self?

My new client Harry paused before telling me why he had called to start therapy. “I’m married but I’m having sex with another woman…I don’t know what to do and I’ve tried to give up the other woman… but I can’t.”

A Dr.-Phil-type-therapist (with little interest in unraveling a messy life) might tell Harry to simply quit having sex with the other woman. ‘Did you make vows to her?” he might ask.

Harry proceeded to reveal how his lover, Sally, was so much better in bed than his wife, describing all the things that she did.  I asked Harry if he was different sexually in the affair. “Of course I am. When a woman does all of that, it’s easy to be completely turned on.”

“So you were following her lead the whole time?” I asked. “Um, no. We both were leading.”

I asked Harry to describe sex with the other woman and sex with his wife. Here is a synopsis:

Harry and his wife, Alice, had sex that followed a safe and predictable script.  He would begin by kissing her gently.  Then he’d kiss her neck and stroke her breasts before touching her genitals. At some point, she would touch his penis at which point Harry would usually come in three or four minutes.  Occasionally, he would give his wife oral sex although most of the time following his orgasm they would simply hold each other and “not pressure her by trying to have her have an orgasm.”  Harry was always careful not to cause his wife to feel rushed or pressured.

How did Harry and Sally do it?  They whisked away to her apartment and upon entering the door Harry grabbed Sally and pulled her to him. He pressed his pelvis to her and she pressed back. At some point they ended up on the rug and he managed to get his pants off. He moved her panties to the side, entered her and thrust quickly until he came.  They lay on the floor like sweaty animals until they began kissing again and became aroused. They could go on like this seemingly forever.

Forever is a long time, however.  I have the benefit of working with couples over time, and I have met Harrys and Sallys that began looking like Harry and Alice.  Harry and Sally fall in love and eventually begin to make love by being tender and sweet.  They become uncomfortable showing love that includes the power to overtake another and the desire to be overtaken.

I asked Harry if he and his wife ever had sex like that early on in their relationship.  He slowly almost begrudgingly admitted that “there was some of that the first couple of years.”  In fact, he recalled a few encounters that were almost identical to his experience with Sally.

So, the question for Harry is not how does he choose between this woman or that woman. It is how does he bring his carnivorous energy back into his marital bedroom?

(Hint: It isn’t by doing it with another woman.)