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“America has traditionally frowned on touching, an inverse twist on the overt sexuality of our culture. Reading about America's "skin hunger", I [wonder if] the sexes are in some kind of topsy-turvy tumble where men are doing more touching and women just want to be left alone? Do men end up with erotic online material sometimes because women just can't be bothered anymore?” L. Anne Enke

It’s the ivillage.com sex survey that has everyone clicking their tongues, trying to decipher the underlying secrets of our private lives. Who is the most satisfied with their sex lives, has it more often, and is most likely to get their kink on? Do kids make or break your fun in the bedroom, and how many fantasize about another lover while wrapped in the arms of their spouse?

The ivillage.com poll of 2000 married couples, split 60/40 when it comes to children, tells a conflicting story. For example, women with children say they ‘married the best sex of their lives,’ but women ages 40-49 (in the thick of child-rearing or cougarville, depending on perspective and life choices) are also the least satisfied with their sex lives. Most of us are having ‘predictable sex’ with only 1/7 couples going out on an erotic limb to sample a forbidden fruit (i.e., something new), but 58% of those who answered the survey were recently in the mood.

But what for? Collecting and massaging data on sex scratches a funny itch, the conformist in many of us who find security in the familiar. Knowing where your sex life falls on the bell curve misses the intimate point. The average American couple isn’t getting enough affectionate, nonsexual touch, the kind that keeps us bonded, satisfied, sexually active, and healthier in the long run. 

Health benefits
There are plenty of physical and emotional health benefits of tender touch that comes with no sexual strings attached. Couples who are more affectionate – they hold hands, give hugs, or cuddle up without having sex – have higher levels of nature’s love drug, oxytocin.
 
Women generally have more oxytocin than men, but recent studies show that men respond with increased empathy when given intranasal oxytocin. Warm partner contact offers more than warm fuzzies; it may also be cardio-protective for men, and reduce stress in both partners.
 
Sexy non-sexy touch
We come into this world instinctively knowing that tenderness is as important to living as food, air or water. When children need a hug, the go get one, and they give affection without pretense or calculation. So why the dearth of affection when we are all grown up? And do American women really prefer to read books or extra sleep over sex, as the ivillage.com suggests?
 
Your Sex Whisperer believes that the answer to both those questions is connected to one another and the mystery of oxytocin. Sensual touch without a goal in mind keeps those embers glowing, like a soft reminder of the possibilities between lovers who know each other’s intimate secrets. At the risk of trumpeting the traditional horn, women are aroused by partners who woo us with affection that sometimes lead nowhere but to a promise.
 
(Memo to men: Play with her hair)
 
We know you have alternative motives, and we really don’t care in the long run. We just want to feel your hands in our hair, tugging ever so suggestively; see you wink at us across the room at a party; subtly press up against us when we kiss; close our eyes when you wash our hair while bath; warm our cold hands against your chest, just because, well, they are cold and your are hot.
 
These gestures work in courtship (there’s that old-fashioned horn blowing again) and long-term relationships, and science is showing us why. By increasing oxytocin levels, non-sexual affection goes to the reciprocal heart of bonding, intimacy, health and, ironically, sexual satisfaction. 
 
Follow Tinamarie Bernard at @ModernLoveMuse and on Facebook, Tinamarie Bernard, Modern Love Muse.
 
Tinamarie is a top-rated writer of sex, love and relationships. From celebrity relationships, sacred and eco-sexuality, erotica and feminism, to dating and mating advice for couples who want to deepen intimacy, Tinamarie covers what today's Modern Lovers want to know about. You can send her emails, good vibes and inquiries about relationship book reviews to tmbsdre@yahoo.com. She is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist.
 
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