Asking for help is a strength not a weakness | Blogs

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Asking for help is a strength not a weakness

Sun 15 Aug 2010 14:33:43 | 4 comments

Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.

Though I believe in that principle wholeheartedly, and often remind my coaching clients that reaching out for help is a strength, I recently realized I needed to take my own advice more seriously …

Like many of you, I was born into a family that believed in self-reliance and toughing it out regardless of what “it” happened to be. Then there’s our culture, which doesn’t exactly promote the idea of asking for help. Many of us were taught, either implicitly or explicitly, that reaching out is for wimps, that asking for help is a weakness, not a strength.

Over the years, I’ve learned to ask for and accept help. But I also know that when we’re going through a difficult transition, it’s not uncommon for us to fall into familiar but not so healthy patterns. And that’s exactly what was happening for me several months ago, when my mother became seriously ill and was nearing the end of her life.

Though I was doing my best to suck it up and tough it out and look strong, on the inside, I felt sad and helpless. Everyday, I was losing my mother a little bit more, and my heart ached, literally. But I was determined to hide my vulnerable side, that soft underbelly of mine that would tell the world I was hurting. Without realizing it, I had fallen back on that old, familiar belief: that asking for help was a weakness rather than a strength.

Luckily, I have an amazing coach, who helped me see the errors of my ways and offered to “be there” for me, whenever I needed her. She also lobbed a friendly coaching challenge my way by suggesting that I reach out to friends and relatives for help and consider accepting the assistance offered to me.

Doing so has reminded me of how fortunate I am to have such wonderful people in my life. It’s also made me realize that “help” can come in a colorful array of packages.

Some of the things I asked for:

More hugs and snuggles from my husband
Email check-ins with my coach
More alone time to recharge
Help preparing dinner
Time to hang out with friends and have fun
Periodic phone conversations with friends who are able to listen to what I’m saying without offering advice or judging me for how I’m feeling
Recommendations for funny books and movies that would help me shift my perspective when life felt too heavy.
Extra date nights with my husband to strengthen our bond and bring balance to stressful times

So, how do YOU feel about asking for help? Do you consider it a strength or a weakness?

What stops you from reaching out for help?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on ShareWIK.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH, and a regular columnist on ShareWIK.com.

For more Ellen Brown columns, click here.

©ShareWIK Media Group, LLC

More hugs and snuggles from my husband
Email check-ins with my coach
More alone time to recharge
Help preparing dinner
Time to hang out with friends and have fun
Periodic phone conversations with friends who are able to listen to what I’m saying without offering advice or judging me for how I’m feeling
Recommendations for funny books and movies that would help me shift my perspective when life felt too heavy.
Extra date nights with my husband to strengthen our bond and bring balance to stressful times

For more Ellen Brown columns, click here.

©ShareWIK Media Group, LLC

©2011 ShareWIK Media Group, LLC. All rights reserved. ShareWIK does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. For more information, please read our Additional Information, Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

Comments

Roberta 17 months ago

I have a family like that - Where it is difficult or impossible to ask for help. I had a huge crisis in my life three years ago, and then a back injury thereafter. My sister wrote me to "do it alone" . Cold, hard statements. When I wrote my brother to borrow $200.00, he wrote me back three weeks later and told me to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I had to wait for my workmen's comp to kick in, and I lived alone. I had, and still have no help (emotional or physical) from my family or origin, and I have not communicated with them since. I felt completely betrayed by my sister, and the reality that nobody cared about me at all. It was a cruel rejection that I cannot forgive. All my life I grew up with a mother who didn't what to be bothered by us, and she lived in her own world. Yet, she was giving on our birthdays and Christmas, and always had dinner on the table. To this day, I have a difficult time asking for help, and yet many times I have been helped by a church for food, ect...I still suffer personally from lack of support, as I tend to keep isolating myself and do everything alone. Therefore, at age 50, I have to really go against my habit of isolating, and come into the pressence of supportive atmospheres. Rejection and not fitting in is hard to deal with.

Ellen Brown 17 months ago

It makes so much sense that you have difficulty asking for help given your background. And I'm really sorry that you've had that experience ... I do think that our backgrounds do influence what is happening today, but they don't have to control the present or future. The key, for me, was finding people I thought would support me and testing out that theory. Because the fact is that some people are more supportive than others. I don't pretend that asking for help is an easy task, especially when we learned that doing so could be painful, but there truly are people out there who are supportive. And I think that if you are willing to take baby steps, and reach out to people you believe to be trustworthy, you can move beyond the isolation. Not in a day, but over time.

Roberta 17 months ago

Ellen, thanks for your nice comments. :)

Ellen Brown 17 months ago

My pleasure, Roberta!

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