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The older I get, the better I understand that gratitude is the root of a peaceful life. When I keep gratitude in the front of mind, things tend to flow more smoothly. I shoulder the inevitable bumps in the road with a kind of ease and grace that feels calm. Acceptance reigns. Life is good.

When my gratitude loses its foothold, it is often replaced by a kind of negative, defeated helplessness. I suspect I’m in good company, here, as our culture seems to have many idioms representing that perspective. “There is no rest for the weary. “ Or, “no good deed goes unpunished.” We wear the mantle of victim and woe all that is done “to” us. What an energy drain!

Now on any given day we are likely to fluctuate wildly from positive to negative and – if we are lucky – back again. That is typical. It’s the ratio between the two that warrants our attention.

When it comes to self-esteem, people need a ratio of five positives to outweigh a single negative or correction.  That shows how powerful our negativity can be. Give it an inch, and it’ll take a mile.  Seriously, a 5:1 ratio is a big stretch, even on a ‘gratitude’ day.

This spring I’ve fallen into that negative energy place all too frequently. It’s not that life has been tragic, it’s just been hard. We’ve been going through a difficult stretch – and I’ve become aware of a corresponding decrease in my positivity. In fact, I realize now that negativity has been creeping into my psyche, seemingly innocent enough until it has slowly taken over like kudzu squeezing the life out of all that lies in its path. Exhausted and overwhelmed, no amount of self-talk has been enough to counter what has felt like a constant barrage of negative external forces.

Tearing up at the slightest provocation for days, I finally wept on my husband’s shoulder, confessing, “I’m just not handling things well at all.” To his credit, he chose to play the strong, silent type – he neither confirmed nor denied my assertion.  He just held me while I released weeks (months?) of built-up tension and negativity.

Now, just three days later, I feel much better – lighter, more optimistic.  Nothing much has changed externally. Internally, I’ve reconnected to the one thing that has always enabled me to turn the tide: gratitude. No single issue has better helped me change my life for the good – and it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

As an adult, I can’t wait for five accolades to fall from on high, balancing bad news from a doctor, or deadlines too numerous to meet. And I don’t WANT to sit around complaining when life gets hard. I have to take charge of the 5:1 ratio and create the positive messages myself. The best way I know to counter a negative vortex is to buoy myself with appreciation.

When it comes to dramatically shifting perspective and using gratitude to pull myself out of a really negative space, here’s What I Know™ (now):

1.     Awareness that I’ve gotten mired in the negative is key. I have to get enough perspective to see that things have spiraled downward. Once I’m aware, I can only wallow in it for so long before I get annoyed with myself and start to turn things around.

2.     I must start thinking – quite actively – about what makes me grateful or what brings me joy. It can be really little things, like the purple fabric on my favorite chair, or big things like my kids clearing the dinner dishes without being asked. I look for it everywhere I can, as often as possible.

3.     I focus on my health. Maybe I need exercise or sleep or just to pay attention to eating a little healthier. When I remember to be grateful for the health I do have, it’s easier to take better care of myself.

4.     Find tiny bits of time for things I know I love. For me, it might be taking the time to do just five minutes of yoga, or walk outside the front door for a moment of fresh air, or stop for a moment and smile at a loved one doing something really mundane. It’s not the length of time that matters, initially. It’s the act of stopping and doing something for myself.

5.     It may sound corny, but I play the “it could be worse” game – it doesn’t need to last for 18 holes, but a few short rounds can be really encouraging.

6.     Fall in love with my kids and/or spouse and/or loved one all over again. When I think about what it is about them that makes me smile – then I smile. It’s hard to stay negative with an authentic smile.

7.     Take a day off (I know, it sounds crazy to do this with deadlines pending, but usually a break makes for much more effective work). If not a day, find an evening, or an hour – little respites can feel decadent, and quite effective when I feel like I’m doing something for myself, no matter what!

Elaine Taylor-Klaus is a Life, Leadership and Parenting Coach and the founder of Touchstone Coaching and ImpactADHD™. She is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist.

Read more articles by Elaine Taylor-Klaus here.

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