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Leslie sat in an extra chair in my office, not on the couch next to Robert as she usually did. I looked at Robert and he looked weary.

“I’m mad as hell,” Leslie started. “He stayed out until 3:00 in the morning without calling me.” Turning to Robert, “You have no respect for my feelings…you never have and you never will. You’re such a self-centered sonofabitch. I’m at home trying to get some sleep so I can get up at 6:30 in the morning for a meeting, and you’re out playing around, doing whatever you want to.”

Robert sighed. “I told you I was going to be out with my best friend ‘til late. I hadn’t seen George in a year. I’ve apologized. I lost track of the time and didn’t want to call and wake you when I realized what time it was. Why didn’t you call me?”

Leslie seethed. “Don’t try to turn this around on me! Where were you? At a strip club? Out picking up bimbos? I’m home doing the right thing and you’re out doing God-knows-what!” 

Robert leaned away from Leslie and looked at me. “This is just ridiculous. We’ve been arguing about this for two days. She’s not going to let it go. It’s just ridiculous.”

“You’re ridiculous!”

“You’re a controlling bitch!” Robert blurted out.

“You arrogant ass-hole! I should’ve divorced you years ago,” Leslie said before throwing one of my pillows at her husband. 

Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there. ----- Rumi, 13th century Sufi poet

Sometimes couples arrive at my office, sounding like the couple above. (Most of us married people have sounded like this couple at some point.) When I hear couples engaged in this drama, I know that underneath the fight, each participant is actually yearning for their partner to intuitively hear the need beneath the anger, to empathize, understand, validate and even meet the need (without it ever being stated out loud)! 

But how does someone who is being called an arrogant ass-hole or a controlling bitch listen with empathy, understanding and validation? Attack-language, name-calling and threatening to leave are designed to punish: You hurt me, now you should suffer equally~ Attack-language seeks to prove who is the Perpetrator and who is the Victim, and to punish the offender accordingly.

But here’s the problem: even if the offender is punished, the attacker’s needs will continue to go unmet if they don’t learn to express themselves differently.

Now I know this is complicated. Sharing your needs with your partner makes you vulnerable; especially if your needs were ignored, invalidated or dismissed as a kid or in a past romantic relationship, it may be difficult to, A): know what your needs are, B): feel like you have a right to speak them out loud, or C): know what to do when someone knows what your needs are, but says “Sorry, I can’t or won’t or don’t want to meet those needs.” (Just because you ask for something, doesn’t mean the other has to give it to you!) Because this venture is so complicated, so wrought with buried pain and brings up such shame and vulnerability, anger is often the default “safe” response.  

In the short run, anger feels good, empowering, righteous (for some, even addictive).  But in the long run, it is always ineffective.  

My job is to help my clients discover the tender, all-too-human, universal needs hidden beneath the rage.

I said to Leslie and Robert, “I can see how angry you all are.  It looks like your anger is interfering with your ability to know what you actually need right now. Can you try go under the anger and discover what that need might be?”

After a few prompts, Leslie responded: “I feel hurt and scared.  I wonder what he was doing that night…”

“What is the need that makes you wonder that?”

Leslie’s responded, “I need to feel safe, like I can trust him. I’m scared he might be lying to me. Maybe he’s having an affair.”

Robert interrupted,  “Leslie, the last thing I would do is have an affair. I was with George.  I hadn’t seen him in a year and we drank too much. That’s all. I’m sorry. I never stay out like that. It was just like, you know, being in college again. It was irresponsible, I agree, and I felt like shit the next day at work. I’m sorry!”

“What do you need right now, Leslie?”

“I need him to commit to me that he won’t do it again.  It’s okay for him to go out, but I need him to call and check in so I don’t have to worry.”

“Can you give Leslie this, Robert?”

“Of course!  I thought I said it. I’m sorry. I’ll call next time. You know I don’t normally do things like this. The last thing I would want is for you to be worrying about me when you need to be sleeping.”

Listen to how the conversation changed when Leslie got out of her anger and expressed her needs and fears directly.  Anger can prevent our partners from hearing the content of what we are actually saying because the tone produces an instinctual reaction of defensiveness and self-protection.  Anger can also block us from being aware of our real needs.  Instead of just letting the anger fly, slow down and see if the anger might be a path to a deeper question: what do I need right now?

After this exchange, I asked Robert what he needed.  “I just need her to believe me, believe in me, and remember who I am. I never come home late, right?” he asked Leslie.

“I know,” Leslie quickly said. “I was just…”

“I know,” Robert said.

And the drama was over.

There are reasons that we are so good at feeling angry and yet so bad at knowing what we really need. One very prominent reason is that our culture actually teaches us this.

I invite you to listen to Marshal Rosenberg, one of the world’s great teachers of nonviolent communication, as he explains this phenomenon.  

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  He is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.   

More Gerald Drose articles, click here.

@ShareWIK Media Group, LLC 2010