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If a man (of the cloth) can write, "Women are sadder because deep down men are shallower"  about his gender, what truth, if any, is there in those words? And do I, as a woman, have any business repeating his observations?

Apparently not, according to one male reader of that column, who ranted on about how sexist and childish the title was. Never mind that the content of the blog was about those expressed convictions on gender issues and the need for healing. 

“Would you write an essay that said women are sadder because they are neurotic and self-absorbed?” he challenged me. I could practically see spittle coming from his lips.

Yep. I would.

Truth is, women have long been labeled worse, and often blamed for that matter, for their own dissatisfaction and the psychological wounds of their children, spouses, extended family, etc. Son is gay? Mom was too controlling. Daughter has a drug problem? Mom must have withheld love. Husband strays? Well, who could blame him for philandering in someone’s else’s bed after she let her waist grow thick?

We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders (and just to be clear, I don’t mean that men aren’t carrying their share, or suffer any less. It’s just that I can only muse on my particular biosuit). After the feminist movement pushed those damned shackles off our backs, giving us access to previously restricted professional successes, the hope was that greater freedom and opportunities would translate to greater inner satisfaction, for men and women.

Except, that hasn’t happened if the research is to be believed. If success is measured by happiness, many signs point to the epidemic failure of painting men as the enemy. There are many warriors-in-transition reframing the gender-happiness-relationship dialogue from the masculine perspective. As two women readers responded, this issue isn’t about men versus women per se. All these wise mentors of mine (long list of names!) teach me daily about the inner work that must be done to bridge the masculine and feminine.

It’s an inside job first.  When we can own the feminine strengths such as nurturing as much as the masculine traits of protectiveness, for example, then this ‘battle’ of the sexes will finally be a quaint artifact of our past. As long as we blame one side or the other, we are the snake eating its own tail. The truth of happiness, or the lack thereof, has much less to do with how we look, our emerging opportunities, the changing roles of men and women, and the like.

I believe the answer lies in something far more fundamental than the trappings of modern life. When you strip away the to do lists, the meetings, the expectations, the technology and the masks, humankind’s needs are fundamentally the same. They are the same as they were two decades ago, when these studies on happiness were initiated: Human connection.

We are sadder because we have discovered that the emptiness within cannot be filled with professional success, Botox, or a purchased pair of perky breasts and biceps.

We are sadder because the burden of raising a family doesn’t guarantee a connection to those we love the most, and a fabulous career with a stellar title doesn’t keep your demons away at night.

We are sadder because we have an unfulfilled need to be known, to be seen, to be heard and to be loved in a way that is incompatible with life as we now live it. And we are not certain what our intimacy essentials are or how we can go about fulfilling them.

We are sadder because we are further away from understanding our yearnings and desires in a world that places greater value on the material over spiritual, on riches over wealth, and on popularity over substance.

And finally, I suspect we are sadder because we crave a real and abiding intimacy. But the problem is that we are afraid to admit to a need that may appear as if we are weak, needy or dependent on another in a world increasingly critical of admissions of vulnerability.

Does all this make any of us who are tuned in to the human condition, male and female, neurotic and self-obsessed? Sure does. And I, for one, wouldn’t have it any other way, because the alternative is to go numb. And that hasn’t served us all that well either.

Tinamarie is an occasional poet, blogs at www.tinamariebernard.com, and writes for several websites. You can find her at twitter @ModernLoveMuse and Facebook, or send her a private message at modernlovemuse @ yahoo dot com.

Read more Tinamarie columns here.  

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