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When I was in my thirties, my best friend from early childhood died of breast cancer. At that point in her life, she was married with three wonderful children and living in Israel. Jill was home the summer before she died and I asked her if I would ever see her again. She smiled and nodded no.  She died a few months later.

The whole experience was surreal for me. I think and dream of her often.   She was beautiful inside and out.  In my early fifties, a friend I had known for about 20 years died of stomach cancer. Kenny had moved to California and luckily, I was able to spend some time with him a few months before he died. His death and the subsequent deaths of my friends are far from surreal and each has impacted me differently.

In “Death of a Friend in Childhood,” I wrote about how friends in childhood are often the forgotten mourners of the deceased. People rally around family members to offer support and condolences, but don’t recognize that the kid on the bus, the other soccer team players or the girlfriend are grieving too.

The grief when a friend dies can be disenfranchised for both children and adults.

The relationship of the friend to the deceased needs to be recognized.  As an adult, you may have friends from childhood, friends from college days or friends of your children’s friend’s parents. These relationships vary - from confidante to companion to caregiver and beyond.  

When that person dies, you grieve both the relationship and the role the friend played in your life.

When Kenny died, a piece of my wild and crazy side died.  When Judy died, my connection to the Alexander Technique died. And when Betty died, my heart broke as she was a soul connection.

Secondary losses can occur with the death of a friend. The deceased friend could have been the one that kept your group together. Maybe she was the one who organized book club or meals when someone was ill. When that friend dies, the circle can become fragmented or cease to exist, which becomes yet another loss. Sometimes the friend is the intermediary to others in your circle.  You would never know Sue if Jane hadn’t introduced you. When Jane dies, it may be difficult to be around Sue because of the sorrow involved or simply because Jane is what brought you two together.

What can we do?

Enfranchise the grief.  Grief is a normal and necessary reaction to a loss. Normalize and validate the grief of your friends and family members. Let them tell their stories. Encourage them to carry on the legacies of their friends.

My oldest sister has been friends with the same group of 12 women for more than 40 years. They have been there for each other’s college graduations, weddings, divorces, births, their children’s milestone events and their parent’s deaths. The strength of the friendship throughout the years is something to behold. One of the 12 died unexpectedly this past week. This column is in honor of their friendship and her legacy that will live on in their bond. 

Reference:  Cowan, D.S. (2010) Death of a Friend in Childhood. In: Corr & Balk (Ed.) Children’s Encounters with Death, Bereavement, and Coping. New York: Springer Publishing Company.

Diane Snyder Cowan is the mother of two grown daughters and a national leader in using music in grief therapy, as well as the director of Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center of Hospice of the Western Reserve in Cleveland, Ohio.   She is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist. To learn more about Diane, visit her blog.      

Read other Diane Snyder Cowan columns here.