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There is nothing worse than forced, obligatory enjoyment to bring on a solid bout of holiday blues. Seriously, it is absolutely no fun to be any place out of obligation, especially when nearly everyone else there is either: 

1. Thrilled to be there, or
   
2. There out of obligation just like you (misery loves company notwithstanding)

For many, the holidays are a command performance of a show that should have been closed – or revised – years before. In the name of tradition, we allow ourselves to get stuck in routines that no longer work for us or that we do not really enjoy. The thought of not following the tradition makes us feel disloyal, and yet our feelings of apprehension and dread leave us feeling resentful. Not exactly a lovely way to go into a holiday celebration. 

Now, I’m all about tradition, so don’t mistake these comments for a diatribe against it. In my family we love to celebrate and we have traditions for everything! But sometimes – when we are on our game – we allow room for those traditions to shift and evolve. 

Holding tradition does not mean we need to keep things static or the same. Traditions are about capturing the spirit of an observance or celebration, not about repeating them precisely. 

As life progresses, we may hold on to certain rituals that we consider sacred, like Uncle David’s turkey at Thanksgiving, or Aunt Lisa’s apple pie. But the practice or experience of those rituals must be allowed to change. We could eat Aunt Lisa’s apple pie just as easily at my house as at Grandma’s house! 

Now, for some of us, the holidays are a joyful time of anticipation and connection. We love our rituals. We don’t really care whose house we visit as long as we can see our family. We are the lucky ones. Gratitude abounds. 

But many of us enter the holidays with apprehension, a dutiful sense of obligation, and not a little bit of reservation. We know we’ll have a good time when we get there – at least, we hope we will – and we cannot imagine not going. But we aren’t exactly looking forward to it. 

So, how can we avoid the “Holiday Blues” that come from knowing that Grandma is counting on us, while we are filled with resentment and annoyance? Take some time before the holidays to take stock. 

Start with these questions: 

1.   (1)  What’s really most important to you about the holidays? What are your values around them? Is family important to you, even if it’s not always an easy time together? Or is there something you want that you feel never seems to get honored? Spend some time thinking about what you want (not how to make it happen). For me, having a “home-made gift night” during the holidays is critical, but the rest is negotiable. What’s non-negotiable for you? 

2.   (2)  Next, identify the person(s) you want to make sure you get to spend time with. Is there someone you really want to see? If you see him/her, does it matter what else happens? I know that as long as I get to see Francye sometime during the break, I’m happy to make everyone else happy the rest of the time! Who is your make or break connection? 

3.   (3)  Think about what activities are really important for you to do/eat/see/experience? Is it light shows? Hot chocolate? An annual movie? What spells out “holidays” for you that is a crucial element? I need a game-night sometime during the break to feel complete. What do you need? 

4.   (4)  Next, create a list of the most important things from each of the categories above. Not an exhaustive list of everything you might want to do during the holidays – although that could be fun, too – but a short list of fundamental treasures (I suggest no more than six).   

5.   Now that you’ve gotten clear about what you actually WANT for the holidays, measure it against what you have planned. Do you need to tweak or change anything to get your needs met?

6.   Okay, here’s the last, and perhaps most critical step: what expectations do you have, and how might you need to shift them in order to get your needs met? If you know that your family tends to bicker, then expecting that to change will likely leave you frustrated. But if you anticipate the bickering, and have a plan for what you’ll do when it starts to get on your nerves, then you can let go of the dread and just enjoy your time together! So be honest with yourself here – what can you do to improve your holiday season just by shifting your mindset? 

Operating out of obligation is a set-up to feeling resentment. But here’s the catch: we are always at choice. When we choose to go see our neighbor’s community play because we want to spend the afternoon on a fun outing with our family, then we are no longer going to the play “because we have to.” And that alone opens up a world of possibilities. 

So as you enter into this holiday season, I urge you to find the joy. Not because you’re supposed to, or because it’s expected of you, or even because it will make others happy. No, I urge you to create joy because you want to, because you know what you want, and you make the effort to make it happen for yourself. Before you know it, you might find that you’ve become that annoying family-member who is “thrilled to be there.” 

Elaine Taylor-Klaus is a Life, Leadership and Parenting Coach and the founder of Touchstone Coaching and ImpactADHD™. She is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist.

Read more articles by Elaine Taylor-Klaus here. 

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