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There are many intense and confusing feelings after the death of a loved one. Our grief is heightened on days that we are accustomed to celebrating…days that were so meaningful to our deceased loved one and family. Coping with grief can be particularly difficult when annual traditions and special occasions are continued in the friend’s or relative’s absence.  During these times our deceased loved ones are noticeably missed and their absence is more palpable than on a typical day. With our expectations for joy, these special times can be complicated. 

Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, anniversaries of the death, holidays, and special occasions often trigger our grief response. Sometimes the anticipation of the event can be more difficult than the actual date or the occasion itself.

If you have been taken by surprise by a grief reaction on an anniversary or special day or if you are dreading  an upcoming special event, consider having a grief response plan. What will you do? Whom will you call for support? What coping strategies will you initiate? Will you visit the cemetery, go to your faith community, hike, journal, bake, donate to a charity, read letters? Try to specify a plan. Be prepared.

Remember that life has changed since the death of your loved one. In grief we are adjusting to new roles. Family get togethers are different now. For some, they might be more commemoration than celebration.

As I watched all the events surrounding the royal wedding, I thought about the brides who might be planning a wedding or walking down the aisle without the physical presence of their mom or dad or grandparents.  This too can trigger a grief reaction. The experience may be bittersweet. In the midst of joyful planning, your mind wanders back to that special person who will not be there to see you get married. You can only imagine their look of pride seeing you on that momentous day.

Find ways to bring your deceased loved one into your special day.

·      Wear an article of their clothing or jewelry

·      Carry something symbolic in your bouquet like a broach or charm.

·      Keep a candle lit or some memorabilia visible (like a flag)

·      Hold their prayer book or religious artifact.

·      Play a song they loved

·      Include a meaningful silence

Honor your sadness and your joy. The person you are missing contributed to who you are. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge them and pay tribute. It is your day. Be confident in your remembrance and embrace your emotions.

Grief triggers help you stay in touch with feelings and help you move forward on the journey. Hold on to the thought that although our loved ones are no longer physically with us, they will always remain in our hearts.

Diane Snyder Cowan is the mother of two grown daughters and a national leader in using music in grief therapy, as well as the director of Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center of Hospice of the Western Reserve in Cleveland, Ohio.   She is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist. To learn more about Diane, visit her blog.  

 Read other Diane Snyder Cowan columns here.