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It’s seems unreal that I wrote this article just a few months ago. Mom turned 85 the end of November. Dad died two weeks prior.  

I think my dad truly didn’t want to have dementia, knowing how difficult that would have become not only for him, but also for mom and the family. Dad became seriously ill and died suddenly of heart failure.  

Because he had given us the gift of creating his advance care directives, we were able to honor his wishes without question.  

I am continuously impressed with Mom’s grace through all of this. I am also honored to be one of five children that works together as family - each bringing strength to best meet each other’s needs and wishes.

--Diane

Anticipatory Grief:  Caring For Aging Parents

I have aging parents. My dad just turned 85 and my mom will be turning 85 in November. The past few years have been interesting to say the least. My mom survived breast cancer. She also underwent angioplasty as a result of a heart attack which she kept secret for three days not wanting to disrupt a relative’s bat mitzvah celebration. Mom volunteers in my office weekly and helps out with the bereavement mailings.

Dad is a person with memory loss. This came to light the past couple of years and it has been a roller coaster of emotions, appointments, emotions, tests, emotions, more appointments, emotions, more tests,  emotions and more emotions. Did I mention Mom was a saint?

Having been the point person between my agency and the Alzheimer’s Association for a grant a few years back, I knew a little too much about the disease progression.  I knew that Mom was bearing the brunt of Dad’s moods and that she and my siblings were experiencing and would continue to experience anticipatory grief.  Did I mention Mom was a saint?

Anticipatory grief is the form of grief that occurs when one is confronted with a chronic or life threatening illness or when one anticipates the death of a loved one (or oneself).  It may be expanded to include illnesses like dementia where the person with the disease and their family are experiencing losses over a period of time.

Anticipatory grief is not a device for completing the tasks of grief prior to the death of the individual. It does not substitute, or necessarily lessen, the post-death process.  It is not post-death grief pushed ahead in time.  But recognizing anticipatory grief can afford families to better manage the illness, problem solve and address losses as they occur.

Adapting to the new and ever changing environment.

When a family member has dementia, things are constantly changing.  Often one feels they have just adapted to one situation and then a new crisis makes more change necessary. This can keep everyone in physical and emotional high gear.  Losses are constantly happening. 

Communication

Communication is the key to coping and growing as a family through grief.  It is important to be together to talk, cry, rage, or even sit in silence.  At the same time there should be respect for each member’s way of handling their anticipatory grief.  Some family members will grieve privately, others openly, and others a combination of these two styles.  In many ways each family member must grieve alone.

• Maintain a balance of attention between the family member that is ill and the other family members.
• A hug or a hand on the arm or back can provide comfort and a sense of closeness.
• It may be helpful to set aside time to be alone together as a family or even to hold a family meeting.
• Encourage but don’t pressure family members to talk and express their anticipatory grief in their own way.  Be a good listener.
• Create a memory or legacy project and talk about feelings regarding memories.
  If depression, withdrawal or family problems are worsening or out of control, seek professional help.
  

If you can learn to share your anticipatory grief as a family hopefully you will grow as a family. I am fortunate to be one of five adult children who are amazingly all on the same page with addressing these issues. With our individual strengths and weaknesses, we do the best we can to keep Mom and Dad active and healthy. And while it’s heartbreaking to see my dad put on his gloves and hat in 70-plus degree weather, it’s kind of hilarious too.

Did I mention Mom was a saint?

Diane Snyder Cowan is the mother of two grown daughters and a national leader in using music in grief therapy, as well as the director of Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center of Hospice of the Western Reserve in Cleveland, Ohio.   She is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist. To learn more about Diane, visit her blog.

Read other Diane Snyder Cowan columns here.

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