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Here comes Thanksgiving.  This is the holiday that focuses on giving thanks where loving families celebrate by coming together. After all, the television and media bombard us with this truth. Hallmark movies embrace the returning vet or the estranged brother, and bickering couples always seem to re-unite.

And yet, you’re not up for all this brouhaha.

Do I sound cynical? I don’t mean to be. Many people have a hard time with holidays in general let alone when they are bereaved. When you are grieving the death of a loved one or caring for someone with a chronic or terminal illness, you might not feel ready for festivities and celebrations. 

The media and retail industry constantly promote the wonder of the season and folks walk around dressed up in holiday regalia. You might be feeling a bit angry. And while anger is a big part of grief, you might feel extra angry at this time – towards your loved one, towards the disease, towards the media, the healthcare industry and even towards yourself for feeling the way you do.

Like Sally from Schultz’s Good Grief: Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving says …Why should I give thanks on Thanksgiving? What have I got to be thankful for? All it does is make more work for us at school. 

You too might be asking yourself:  What do I have to be thankful for this year?

Giving thanks and gratitude might seem like crazy concepts in the midst of grief.

You are in the process of becoming a different person than you were last year. Perhaps you are now a widow or a motherless daughter. You may be adjusting to this new role, which brings different priorities, different benefits and different challenges. What you were thankful for last year might not have the same meaning for you this year.

I encourage you to think about how you have changed and what you have learned since the death of your loved one. You may want to find a way to give thanks and express gratitude as many bereaved persons find this to be healing.

In a previous column I wrote about journaling as a way to manage grief. You may want to consider a gratitude journal where you can list or write about things that you can be thankful for even though your loved one isn’t physically here. You can include the things you acquired directly from your loved one as well as your new perspective as a grieving person. You can write about lessons learned, recipes, values, warmth and security, love, walks in the woods, previous adventures and new adventures.

You have changed and grown.

Sometimes, taking a step back and jotting it down can put it in a different perspective and the memories can continue moving from bittersweet to sweet.

Diane Snyder Cowan is the mother of two grown daughters and a national leader in using music in grief therapy, as well as the director of Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center of Hospice of the Western Reserve in Cleveland, Ohio.   She is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist. To learn more about Diane, visit her blog.

Read other Diane Snyder Cowan columns here. 

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