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I cannot find the original author of this hilarious story – the earliest posting I’ve seen was on HDTalking, a community for Harley Davidson riders – and of course I cannot vouch for its authenticity. But I can tell you that #1 and #15 made me laugh so hard I had tears streaming down my face!

It took almost two years for this delightful tale to make it into my inbox, and of the one hundred “joke” emails my mother insists on sending me, I can no longer ask her to cease and desist because this one made all the others worth it. It put me in such a good mood that I wanted to share it on ShareWIK, because none of us will be able to step into a Target again without stifling a giggle! 

So while you’re out racing around during the upcoming “shopping season,” make sure you check for items that may have mysteriously made their way into your cart.

Happy hilarity,

Ginger

Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to

Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get

in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves

to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our

store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of

you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are

listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other

people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,

'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to

leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that

in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and

costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on

layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children

shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from

the bedding department to which 20 children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and

screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a

mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked

the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the

' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by

using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,

yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed

a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then

yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the

clerks passed out.

Ginger is a 20-year veteran corporate writer in Atlanta, and most recently, the former national web editor at skirt!, www.skirt.com. She is a regular blogger for Huffington Post’s divorce vertical (www.huffingtonpost.com/divorce) and skirt.com, the mother of a 16-year-old son, and the author of the hilarious and helpful book, “Back On Top: Fearless Dating After Divorce.” She is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist, and has been featured in More.com, Glamour.com, LovingYou.com and several other women-centric media. She has appeared dozens of local and national TV and radio shows, including as host of Book Talk with Ginger in Atlanta, Georgia. 

For more Ginger Emas columns, click here 

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