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Dear Cooper,

As a mom, I pride myself on being a Selective Worrier, using statistics and probabilities to guide me on where to focus my anxieties.  This technique has managed to keep me somewhat “centered” since you were born 15 years ago.

But when it comes to alcohol the statistics are so frightening and the stakes so high, it’s a challenge to Remain Calm.  I’ve imagined Alcohol as a demon lurking in a dark alley, ready to pounce on my innocent and unsuspecting kid. 

This letter is my attempt to channel that amorphous sense of dread.  My hope is that by the end you’ll have gained a little wisdom and I’ll have gained a little inner peace.    

At this point in your life, you’ve tasted alcohol but never felt the effects.  You’ve had a sip of wine or a taste of beer; you’ve licked the salt off the Margarita glass rim.  At 15, drinking has not been an “issue” in your life. 

Yet.

As a high school freshman, alcohol is starting to move to the front of your awareness.  There are The Talks in Assembly and the check-in with the teachers at the school dance.  And in the not-too-distant future you’ll be confronted with a moment when you’ll need to sort out a lot of very mixed messages about booze. 

At home, you’ve witnessed the pleasurable side of alcohol, watching your parents savor a glass of wine with dinner or indulge in a beer at the baseball game. 

You’ve seen the media make light of drunkenness with hilarious portrayals of intoxication in sitcoms and movies.  We’ve even happily sung along to popular songs glorifying the blackouts, poor decisions and sexual excesses of binge drinking.

Yeah, we danced on table tops
And we took too many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot…              ~Katy Perry

***

Fill up my cup (Drink)
Mazal Tov (L’chaim)
Look at her dancing (Move it Move it)
Just take it OFF!                   ~Black Eyed Peas

***

There’s a party on the rooftop, Top of the world…
I woke up with a strange tattoo
Not sure how I got it,
Not a dollar in my pocket…~Hot Chelle Rae

The message is that when you get drunk, amazing-crazy-wonderful things happen!  All self-doubt and self-consciousness melt away… and bad consequences?  Well, as Hot Chelle Rae so eloquently sings: “Whatever!”  

Thankfully, you haven’t witnessed the dark side of alcohol.  You’ve not experienced the violence of a drunken man, lost a friend to a drunk driver nor worried about getting into a car with an intoxicated adult. 

As a psychologist, I hear devastating alcohol stories every day: the teenager whose well-respected parents were arrested for hosting a party; the kid whose best friend died in a drunken wreck; the girl who got drunk, was date-raped and developed an eating disorder as self-punishment. 

The list is long and depressing. 

I listen closely to my youthful clients who abuse alcohol, searching for clues.  They tend to have alcoholism in their DNA.  They may be impulsive in other areas; they are easily bored or secretly depressed.  They may be socially anxious or lost in the cracks between divorced parents.

Out of some self-interest, I also tune-in to how they describe their parents. I’ve noticed a pattern: somewhere along the way, the drinking teen lost respect for them.  They view their parents as weak, hypocritical, overly emotional, immature or disconnected.  Too often, one parent abuses alcohol while the other remains mute.    

Thankfully you have some “protective factors” which decrease the odds that you’ll develop a problem.  The genetic link is several generations back.  Your life is busy and full of meaningful activities. As a family we are focused on health and fitness.  You won’t need alcohol to be more outgoing and you know how to have sober fun. 

Plus, your Dad and I are plugged in to the daily vicissitudes of your life and plan to remain so until you go off to college.  While you have a right to your private life, we hope you will continue to turn to us if you are wrestling with an issue.  I hope you can sense that we are your biggest fans, staunchest allies and unwavering advocates.

The scariest part for me is just the fact that you have a teenage brain.  For no fault of your own, research suggests that you may not be great at anticipating consequences until your mid-twenties.  Simply because you are a teenager, you’ll tend to feel invincible and invulnerable, that nothing bad could ever happen to you!  It’s a great feeling, but sometimes it’s an illusion that can lead to disaster. 

So here is my hope for you, Cooper:

When you are at that party and someone offers you alcohol, you’ll “think through the drink” (as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous).  That means imagining all the consequences of drinking, not just that giddy, dizzy feeling of alcohol numbing your frontal lobe.  Remind yourself of the anxiety you’d feel about breaking the law; the misery you’d feel if you were caught drinking and kicked out of school; the sick feeling of lying to your parents.  These alone should be enough to slow you down. 

My hope is that we’ve helped you build a solid sense of esteem and integrity that will lead you to a good decision in that moment.  We cannot be there physically, but you can carry all of the love that we feel for you in your heart, and you can say, “Not now. Not yet.” 

Love,

Mom

Dina Zeckhausen is a nationally-known clinical psychologist and author who specializes in treating eating disorders and body image in both adults and adolescents. She is a weekly columnist for ShareWiK.com. You can visit her on the web atdinazeckhausen.com and MyEdin.org.

More Dina Zeckhausen articles, click here.

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