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Getting to the point of forgiveness for a hurtful transgression by a significant other is an exhausting and sometimes messy dance.  Successful resolution of the process eventually allows the forgiver to be free from their pain and suffering while the forgiven develops a deeper appreciation and empathy for the effects of the behavior on his or her partner. The couple should emerge from the trauma emotionally closer with a deeper appreciation for each other.

Last time I introduced Jim who came to see me for help dealing with the fallout from his having had emotional affair with his college girlfriend. (See last column…)

After a few sessions, Jim insisted that Alice would never forgive him. “It’s not in her nature to forgive….and it’s not in my nature to let someone beat me up the rest of my life for a one mistake,” he told me.

This is where they had gotten over the months following the discovery of the affair. Alice felt like her husband had no empathy for her, which she was sure would lead to another transgression. Jim felt that Alice’s anger would never dissipate and that she would spend the rest of their lives together beating him up.

At Jim’s request, I agreed to meet with Alice who let me know that she was thinking about getting a divorce as much because of Jim’s emotional affair as his refusal over the preceding few weeks to deal with her feelings about his betrayal.

As I said last time, Alice needed to continue talking about her feelings until she reached some kind of resolution, at which point the feelings would be less powerful and she’d no longer “need” to talk about them.  At that point, for the relationship to move forward (and improve from where it had been prior to the wound) she’d need to forgive Jim.

One of the first questions being “asked” by the couple was- at what point should forgiveness be given? For Jim, a few months into his consistent contrition should have accomplished this. But Alice was a long way from resolving her feelings about the affair.

Jim hated conflict and also hated being wrong and now he was both. What he wanted was for Alice to be over her feelings. What he actually wanted was for her to give him what has been called “Cheap Forgiveness.” This is a concept developed by Janis Abrahms Spring author of “After the Affair.” Basically, the hurt party doesn't acknowledge the extent to which they've been hurt nor come to terms with their injury. A person giving cheap forgiveness gives someone an easy pardon for a significant violation without processing the emotions caused by the situation.

Why would someone give Cheap Forgiveness? Generally people who are satisfied with the “illusion of closeness" are more okay with letting go of their grief than talking about it.  They are comfortable when everyone is on good terms, even when significant problems remain unresolved. Their motto: Peace at any price. One might think this is magnanimous, but there is a tremendous cost.  The person who has hurt the other is not held accountable (and in some cases won’t even know) and might continue the hurtful behavior.  Also, the wounds in relationships are often opportunities to fix ongoing problems; thus, avoiding the process of forgiving and being forgiven leaves those problems unresolved.

At the other extreme is the refusal to forgive. The person who refuses to forgive becomes obsessed with their injury and rejects attempts at being soothed, preferring to punish the offender even if that sabotages the bond that they say they desire.

Alice was starting to show this type reaction.  Jim had begun struggling with his own shame and now found it difficult to maintain his empathy for Alice. Instead, he’d apologize but when Alice refused to be soothed he’d lash out with anger.  Alice would feel that he had no desire to fix the injury he’d caused.  She’d become inconsolable, leading to long nights of nasty fights.

I began seeing Alice and Jim in couple’s therapy. I helped both of them recognize that there are two parts to the process of recovering from a betrayal.

1.    The perpetrator must apologize over and over.

2.     The victim must learn to accept that apology.

Alice had to give up her ideal vision of Jim. He was, in fact, a fallible human being. He was neither the morally superior person she’d believed him to be, nor was he the monster she portrayed either.

Similarly, Jim had to learn that Alice’s anger and pain were a result of his offending behavior and that his shame and inability to deal with conflict was preventing him from staying apologetic.  Alice had to recognize that her desire to punish Jim was keeping her embroiled in a pattern of rage and distancing that prevented her from getting love.

Further, Alice needed to realize that staying in her anger was helping her feel powerful (instead of experiencing the powerlessness that accompanied her grief). Even though it was hard for her, I encouraged Alice to share her sadness with Jim.  Jim was more supportive when she spoke from her pain instead of her anger.

Finally, Alice needed to acknowledge her behavior towards Jim may have contributed to the feelings of alienation that led to Jim’s affair.  (Note: while her behavior may have contributed, she is not responsible for the affair!) This realization actually allowed Alice to feel that she had some control over the future. If she could be different going forward in the relationship she didn’t have to worry as much about Jim’s vulnerability to affairs.

Jim and Alice emerged from this process with a much better relationship.  Many couples cannot tolerate the intense emotional work required to survive and thrive after a breach of trust and end up seeking a lawyer instead of a therapist.   However, with a solid commitment to the relationship, a dose of courage (and some help from a professional) couples can emerge on the other side with a stronger relationship and greater emotional health as individuals as well.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples sex therapist.  He is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.   

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