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I’ve always felt ashamed to be a smoker. When I was 7 or 8, I remember my father telling me that he would disown me if I ever smoked cigarettes. I told him not to worry – I would never do something so disgusting. But for the past 13 years, I’ve been a slave to cigarettes, though I’ve tried to quit several times. I didn’t succeed in quitting until I gained the ability to have a more positive picture of who I would be and what my life would be like without smoking.

I had my first cigarette when I was sixteen years old. Being a star high school athlete who was going places, this did not make a lot of sense, at least on the outside. But on the inside, I was a depressed, anxious, insecure teen who was just trying to get through each day of practice with an abusive coach. Instead of being encouraged and built-up at practice, I was singled-out, ridiculed and punished. Comments about my weight were the most hurtful, and most parents, including my own, seemed to accept his military-style coaching method. As I became more depressed and more anxious, I started looking for ways to cope, and turned to cigarettes.

As I began my first night as a college freshman in my new dorm a few years later, I remember thinking how awesome it was to be able to go have a smoke whenever I wanted. My parents were extremely upset with me for not playing sports in college, but I was so depressed and ashamed of myself that I couldn’t handle playing at that level. It really hurt to hear about my other teammates getting college scholarships, but I was relieved to no longer get yelled at every day during practice. However, I still lived my life with an undercurrent of dread and sadness which isolated me socially.  To keep myself going throughout the day, I included smoking as a beginning and an ending to everything I did. Even before and after I worked out I would smoke a cigarette. This is how other students would come to know me: as the girl who sat and smoked outside the dorms.

But this was not the only addiction that I used to get me through college life. Bingeing and purging also got me through the day. Soon, smoking was what I did before and after I purged, too. Whenever it all got too unbearable, at least I had my cigarettes to comfort me. As my smoking increased it became harder to exercise, which was unacceptable to me. Even though my lungs burned and my body tired easily, I pushed myself to keep up with my workouts to avoid gaining weight from the bingeing and purging. This was my perpetual cycle through college, and it was a miserable one. There were times when I wanted my life to just go away, when I was at my lowest of lows. But even then, I always had my cigarettes to comfort me and help me get through the day. Taking a break to go smoke was my temporary opportunity to step away from myself and my problems.

After I struggled through college, I was fortunate enough to get a great job working in a new city. I felt so thankful that anyone even wanted to hire me – after all, I viewed myself as less than everyone else and being a smoker contributed to that view. The first time I tried to quit was on my first day at my new job. But by the end of the first week I was sneaking outside for smoke breaks. Soon after I met other coworkers who smoked, and from then on I could always find someone who’d want to join me for a smoke break. Although I felt a bit of shame every time I’d get up from my desk to go smoke, thinking that all of my non-smoking coworkers were judging me, I believed that I could not get through a day without my cigarettes and being ashamed of myself was the price I had to pay. My stressful corporate job was my number one excuse as to why I could not quit. I would go crazy if I had to deal with everything and not have smoking as my outlet. I could not picture my life as anything other than this dreadful existence that would never end. I couldn’t look beyond my current situation because it was so overwhelming and depressing; I was stuck and my cigarettes were keeping me afloat.

     But then one day l fell apart, and I’m glad I did because that’s when I started really getting help. I started dating a wonderful man who loved me unconditionally, and I knew that if I didn’t change the way I was currently living, I would lose him. I was unhappy with my job, depressed because I could not get my eating disorder under control, and I struggled getting out of bed each morning to the point where I missed days at work. I made an appointment with a therapist and I’ve been working with her since then to help me change the behaviors that negatively affect my life.  Quitting smoking was at the top of my list as an addition I wanted to change, and I made a few more attempts to quit by using the nicotine patch and even trying the prescription drug Chantix. But I was still in a miserable job which kept me feeling stuck. I always ended up saying, “screw it” and lighting up a cigarette.

 My biggest fear about quitting was that I would live each day craving cigarettes, constantly fighting with myself to resist them. I told my therapist my fear and she reassured me that if I quit, I would not be battling with myself for the rest of my life; that the urges would be temporary feelings that would eventually pass. Over time, I began to trust that my feelings were just that – only temporary. There were other ways of coping with them until they passed. I finally had a new job and I was getting married in a few months (to the wonderful man who loved me unconditionally). For the first time in a long time, I could see a future for myself that wasn’t so dreadful and dark; instead I could picture my future as a wife and mother and that really motivated me to think about changing. I also wanted to say my wedding vows and truly mean them, but I didn’t believe that I could do that and still be a smoker. By continuing to smoke, I was knowingly putting my health in danger and it wasn’t fair to my future husband or our future family. It was time to quit for good this time and break out of the cycle that had held me for so many years.

I started taking Chantix again about a month before our wedding. I joined Chantix’s Get Quit program which sent me an email every morning and called me every evening to check in on my progress. This program really helped get me through the first few weeks by reminding me of why I was quitting; I looked forward to answering the automated phone call and saying “No” when asked if I had smoked that day. On the day of our wedding I had been a non-smoker for 3 weeks, which was the longest I had been without cigarettes since I was 16. It felt amazing to be a non-smoker on our honeymoon; I didn’t realize how much shame I carried as a smoker until it was gone. I’ve been a nonsmoker for 5 months and it’s such a relief to no longer worry about the damage that being smoker can cause. I can’t undo the damage that I’ve already done, but I can now take better care of myself and hope that my body will continue to heal itself from the unhealthy things I put it through during the past.

What I Now Know:  

• Smoking got me through some really hard times in my life. But my life has changed and I no longer need cigarettes to get me through the day. 
• I tried to quit at least 7 times before I was successful, but I think that each attempt gets you closer to quitting for good. Even your failures are an important part of the process.
• I made getting through each day without a cigarette my priority; I had one goal and one goal only and that was to not smoke. It wasn’t long before I got used to not having cigarettes in my life, and I really didn’t miss them. 
• The times that I do miss smoking are when I’m feeling stuck. But that’s when I call my husband and tell him what I’m feeling and he reminds me that smoking a cigarette will not change anything.