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Glamour Magazine recently published a column: “Jess Weiner’s Weight Struggle: ‘Loving My Body Almost Killed Me.’” Jessica Weiner is DOVE’s Self-Esteem Ambassador, and an impressive speaker, author and “actionist” on issues of self-acceptance. As a large woman who recovered from anorexia and promotes self-love, Jess has been a role model for the size acceptance movement, as well as a lightening rod.  

Two years ago, a woman in Jess’s audience asked how Jess could love her body since she was “obese!” Jess replied, “My body is none of your business!”  But the confrontation apparently broke through Jessica’s denial about her health and resulted in huge changes in the way she was living. Today she discusses those changes  as she always has, with courage and in a public forum.  

In the article, Weiner admits that she, like many overweight women, had avoided the doctor for years. Sparked by new concern, she saw a physician and discovered her cholesterol and blood sugar levels needed improvement.  As a result, she changed her approach to eating and began moving more and lost 30 pounds over 18 months.  Her blood sugar and cholesterol improved, and she reported feeling better. In the article she also told of her desire to lose about 30 more pounds. 

This has brought a firestorm reaction from people in the recovery movement who worry that Jessica’s focus on weight loss indicates a relapse of anorexia rather than a new-found healthy orientation. Some in the “Health at Every Size” movement even feel betrayed by her focus on the scale.

Jess, I am thrilled that you are eating healthier, exercising and feeling better in your body.  You have always been an inspiration to those who need to give up abusive self-talk. Now, in the next stage of recovery you will be an inspiration to women who have been similarly neglecting their health.

And, in fact I think you will reach more people than ever. It can be confusing for people to hear an overweight person say, “I’ve recovered from my eating disorder” if it appears they don’t have a healthy relationship with food or their body. Now you’ll speak from a place of greater “integration” – where mind, heart and body are in synch! 

A different way to conceptualize “loving your body”:

When I work with folks who are binge eaters and loathe their bodies, I explain that they need to start from a place of self love. Like the woman in Jess’s audience, they ask:“How can I love my body when it is obese?”

I explain that loving your body does not mean simply giving it everything and anything that it wants.  Loving your body means accepting your body as it is, but it also requires giving your body what it needs to thrive.

One of the easiest ways to think of this is to love your body like you imagine an ideal parent might love a child.  If you’ve got kids, this new mindset is easy to understand. A child needs a complete breakfast to face the day. That child might ask for Coke and donuts for breakfast.  Because she loves her child, an ideal parent would comfortably say “no” and offer a healthier choice.

If you’ve been feeding yourself a diet you wouldn’t imagine feeding a child you love, then therapy can help you unravel the origins of this self-neglect (masquerading as self-indulgence). You may be treating yourself the way you were treated growing up.

·      Did your parents feed you unhealthy food, with no structure or limits?

·      Did you witness a parent struggling with chronic dieting or binge eating? 

·      Were your parents restrictive or over-controlling about food (“Your sister’s skinny so she can have ice cream, but you don’t need that…”). 

Any of these scenarios can lead to an adulthood that turns into one long rebellion-fueled, free-for-all.  “No one’s going to tell me what to eat!”

So the task is to learn to feed yourself the way you wish your parents had fed you.   

Sometimes “No” is the most loving thing you can say

My client Jennifer is a compulsive shopper, smoker, Mountain Dew addict, binge eater, and purger.  Planning her wedding, she’d like to eliminate these addictions before she becomes a wife and mother.  “But I’m afraid I can’t handle my awful feelings if I don’t engage in my addictions!”

Later in that conversation, we were talking about saying, “No” to her future kids. “What if we’re in a store,” she asked, “and my kid wants something I don’t want her to have and she throws a tantrum?”  “Well, you lovingly stick with your NO and leave the store!”  Her fear of dealing with an unhappy child was identical to her fear about facing her own negative feelings. Because she doesn’t believe she can survive the tantrum, she indulges her inner kid with more clothes, a cigarette, a binge.  

The way to raise an emotionally healthy kid is to provide “Love and Limits.” So if you feel yucky (but you’re not hungry) and your inner kid says, “I want ice cream!” just say, “Well, your tummy isn’t hungry, so let’s see if there’s something else you might be feeling.” 

In the Glamour article, Jess admits that she “started seeing a therapist to work on the emotional baggage I carry and how it plays a part in the way I turn to food for solace, not nutrition.”  This is the hidden gem in the article. The primary task of parenting (just like therapy) is not to make your kid (or yourself) feel good all the time. It’s to develop Emotional Intelligence: the ability to identify feelings and the capacity to cope with, manage and express them in healthy ways.  

Jess, your Emotional Intelligence came shining through in yesterday’s Facebook post: “Wow - what a brutal and brilliant week. I feel like I've grown leaps and bounds…XO.”  To share your struggles in the public eye, to endure the critics and to find the gift in the negativity shows tremendous resilience. By bravely and openly exploring and sharing this new phase of your health journey, your heart, your body (and your fans) will thank you! 

Dina Zeckhausen is a nationally-known clinical psychologist and author who specializes in treating eating disorders and body image in both adults and adolescents. She is a weekly columnist for ShareWiK.com. You can visit her on the web at dinazeckhausen.com and MyEdin.org.

More Dina Zeckhausen articles, click here.

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