Second Life: Cigarettes, Cigars and a Contemporary Dilemma
Mon 30 Jan 2012 07:26:46 | 0 comments
Her Story: He still smokes cigars but quit smoking cigarettes
It was a hot day. The car smelled of smoke. It was as if tobacco had melted into the carpet, the leather seats and the air conditioning vents. It was our second date and we were on our way to a summer arts festival. I would be in this car for almost an hour, trying not to breathe. How could this relationship work? And yet, how could I refuse to give it a chance?
“Don’t worry,” my new boyfriend, Phang said. “I only smoke outside; never in the car.”
Outside meant outside the window, with the wind blowing smoke back into the car. Outside meant on the driveway, with smoke filled clothes coming into the house. Outside meant in the parking lot, while visiting with other smokers.
No, this was not going to work.
“I’ve been smoking since college,” Phang explained. “How difficult do you think it would be to quit after so many years?”
“My mother did it.” This was true but it sounded like a lame response at the time. How many times did I tell my children that just because someone else did something, that did not mean that they should? But I wanted Phang to stop smoking. It was bad for him. It was bad for me. And I hated the smell.
“You can’t have your cigarettes and me too. You’ll have to choose.” This was my line in the sand.
“Really,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. And that is when I realized this relationship in Second Life was going to be different and more powerful than I had realized. I would have to learn new skills, new ways to compromise and new ways to fight.
I envisioned us now as two children. I drew the chalk line on the sidewalk and declared, “You can’t cross my line.”
That adorable man, Phang, gave me a mischievous smile and poked me in the arm. “Oh, yes, I can.” He stepped over my line and asked, “So, what are you going to do about it?”
He was mocking me, laughing at me, daring me to spar with him. The truth is that I just did not know what to do about it. I was angry with him and myself. This line was more powerful than both of us put together and I was on the opposing side.
His Story: I quit smoking for her.
The car didn’t smell that bad. Always I had chewing gum, mouthwash and mints. I thought that covered the telltale smoke odor. I didn’t realize the clothes, hair and car gave it away.
I smoked with customers and at the office with other smokers. I’d been smoking for years, even when the doctor explicitly told me I would die if I didn’t quit. But I wanted to stop. It was time to grow up and stop this nonsense. With a trip to the hospital, it all changed. I promised to give up smoking.
It was a hot summer day and I was feeling faint. By the time they got me to the hospital I was close to passing out. It wasn’t a stroke, but I had many of the symptoms of a stroke. In the emergency room with me, Susanne’s son drew the line on the sidewalk again, as he tossed my pack of cigarettes in the trashcan. Like mother, like son.
“If you want us to care about you, you will have to promise to stop smoking,” he said. Like mother, like son.
Susanne called my kids and assured them that I was fine. It was nice to be cared about by all of our kids.
Her Story: Today’s Dilemma. All or nothing at all?
Sometimes I think about that line on the sidewalk. It is still there, but it has smudges now. Now we straddle the line instead of standing on opposing sides.
We have learned to respect each other as individuals.
His Story: Today’s Dilemma. I smoke less.
I don’t smoke as much as I used to. I was smoking about a pack a day; then I got down to a pack a week. So, I still smoke. I just smoke less.
And now I only smoke a cigar on weekends. A good cigar, a glass of single malt scotch. Eight of us at the table. Life is good.
Susanne Katz is the author of “A Woman’s Guide to Managing a Mid-Life Divorce,” the host of the radio program, “What Women Want Now” and a columnist for Atlanta Jewish News. She is also a regular ShareWIK.com contributor.
More Susanne Katz articles, click here.
@2012 ShareWIK Media Group, LLC
It was a hot day. The car smelled of smoke. It was as if tobacco had melted into the carpet, the leather seats and the air conditioning vents. It was our second date and we were on our way to a summer arts festival. I would be in this car for almost an hour, trying not to breathe. How could this relationship work? And yet, how could I refuse to give it a chance?
“Don’t worry,” my new boyfriend, Phang said. “I only smoke outside; never in the car.”
Outside meant outside the window, with the wind blowing smoke back into the car. Outside meant on the driveway, with smoke filled clothes coming into the house. Outside meant in the parking lot, while visiting with other smokers.
No, this was not going to work.
“I’ve been smoking since college,” Phang explained. “How difficult do you think it would be to quit after so many years?”
“My mother did it.” This was true but it sounded like a lame response at the time. How many times did I tell my children that just because someone else did something, that did not mean that they should? But I wanted Phang to stop smoking. It was bad for him. It was bad for me. And I hated the smell.
“You can’t have your cigarettes and me too. You’ll have to choose.” This was my line in the sand.
“Really,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. And that is when I realized this relationship in Second Life was going to be different and more powerful than I had realized. I would have to learn new skills, new ways to compromise and new ways to fight.
I envisioned us now as two children. I drew the chalk line on the sidewalk and declared, “You can’t cross my line.”
That adorable man, Phang, gave me a mischievous smile and poked me in the arm. “Oh, yes, I can.” He stepped over my line and asked, “So, what are you going to do about it?”
He was mocking me, laughing at me, daring me to spar with him. The truth is that I just did not know what to do about it. I was angry with him and myself. This line was more powerful than both of us put together and I was on the opposing side.
His Story: I quit smoking for her.
The car didn’t smell that bad. Always I had chewing gum, mouthwash and mints. I thought that covered the telltale smoke odor. I didn’t realize the clothes, hair and car gave it away.
I smoked with customers and at the office with other smokers. I’d been smoking for years, even when the doctor explicitly told me I would die if I didn’t quit. But I wanted to stop. It was time to grow up and stop this nonsense. With a trip to the hospital, it all changed. I promised to give up smoking.
It was a hot summer day and I was feeling faint. By the time they got me to the hospital I was close to passing out. It wasn’t a stroke, but I had many of the symptoms of a stroke. In the emergency room with me, Susanne’s son drew the line on the sidewalk again, as he tossed my pack of cigarettes in the trashcan. Like mother, like son.
“If you want us to care about you, you will have to promise to stop smoking,” he said. Like mother, like son.
Susanne called my kids and assured them that I was fine. It was nice to be cared about by all of our kids.
Her Story: Today’s Dilemma. All or nothing at all?
Sometimes I think about that line on the sidewalk. It is still there, but it has smudges now. Now we straddle the line instead of standing on opposing sides.
We have learned to respect each other as individuals.
His Story: Today’s Dilemma. I smoke less.
I don’t smoke as much as I used to. I was smoking about a pack a day; then I got down to a pack a week. So, I still smoke. I just smoke less.
And now I only smoke a cigar on weekends. A good cigar, a glass of single malt scotch. Eight of us at the table. Life is good.
Susanne Katz is the author of “A Woman’s Guide to Managing a Mid-Life Divorce,” the host of the radio program, “What Women Want Now” and a columnist for Atlanta Jewish News. She is also a regular ShareWIK.com contributor.
More Susanne Katz articles, click here.
@2012 ShareWIK Media Group, LLC
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