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Our inner conflicts…they have been called “our demons.”  We often find ourselves with two opposing or incompatible desires.  When we choose to carry out one desire, it means that we must abandon the other.  Either we make a choice and resolve the conflict or we find ourselves anxiously stuck between the two. 

Being stuck can destroy intimacy, which is a common complaint in failing marriages.  Intimacy is the bond that creates a fulfilling attachment, or a joining, with another person.   Both partners must be open and vulnerable to each other and, at the same time, at peace in the relationship.  The relationship can be in peril, however, if one or both partners does not successfully master and resolve their own inner conflicts. 

Uncertainty in the relationship is often felt by one or both partners, as these ex-spouses have remarked: 

     I never felt good enough for him. He never seemed satisfied and at peace.

     I have a hard time making choices.  Part of me wants one thing.  Another part of me wants the other. 

If you are unwilling to let go of a conflicting desire, ask yourself why this desire is more attractive to you than intimacy in your current relationship.  If those past feelings and desires are in conflict with your life today, then these are some steps to take to resolve your chronic ambivalence:

     Make a list of conflicting desires in your life and then make a decision to end your inner conflict.  Put yourself in the position of mediating your own future.  You can’t have your cake and eat it too, so how will you get your needs met without feeling disappointed?

      Determine which of those desires are your idealized thoughts about yourself and which are your reality.  Be prepared to see yourself in a new light.  You may see yourself as a superhero, when the reality is that your family sees you as their hero.  

     Put a plan into action and get ready to grow.  Look at yourself today and live in the present. 

    Let go of what behavior worked for you then and keep the behavior that serves your needs now.  Accept the past, but use it to prepare you for a great tomorrow.  Intimacy means living with positive intent.

There were plenty of issues to resolve when Phang and I entered into this relationship in our Second Life.    To be a committed couple, we both had to be honest about the baggage we brought with us from our first lives.  Over the first few years together we sparred over what worked and what didn’t work. 

What we now know is that uncertainly stops only when you make a decision to end it.  You can learn to master your own ambivalence and only then can you be the master of your future.