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When we notice that some aspect of our life is truly out of control, we are likely to have one of three responses: we can take back the reins, we can stay the course (with some degree of denial), or we can surrender to the inevitable.

Most of us want to believe we’d take control. I suspect many of us fear – like me – that we’d surrender all too quickly. (One of my greatest fears, actually, is that I’m basically a chicken at heart.) In truth, the most common response is to stay the course, often with a healthy dose of denial.

I have seen true bravery in my life. I’ve watched my child withstand outrageous medical procedures with hardly a word or a tear (from her – I’ve cried plenty). I saw my spouse dive into a murky river to rescue a drunk stranger he saw disappear beneath the surface. And I’ve witnessed loved ones make the drastic decision to take back the reins of their lives and undergo gastric bypass surgery.

The thing about many people who struggle with obesity – whatever the cause, and there are many – is that their relationship with food, or depression, or something fiendish – has gotten out of control. Smart, funny, creative souls find themselves hiding behind padded rooms of their own making, of their own flesh.

The considerations surrounding gastric bypass surgery are incredibly complex. I see the final decision as incredibly brave. Think about it. Pulling yourself up and onto firm ground when you’ve already toppled over an edge can be a helluva lot harder than breaking before you go over the edge in the first place.

Living with obesity can build boundaries that limit the opportunity for full expression of life. Choosing surgery is a bold move:  by doing so, people take the reins firmly in their grasp and reclaim the ability to steer their lives in a direction of their choosing. 

The risks of gastric bypass are extensive. While any surgery is dangerous, this one is particularly complex because it presents a sort of Catch-22. The long-term success of gastric bypass depends on behavioral changes. That would be hard enough in the best of circumstances, but when those behaviors have been part of the very challenge that created the problem in the first place, then the risks are compounded.

To commit to gastric bypass people must commit to doing what they’ve previously had trouble demonstrating a consistent ability to do: use extreme self-discipline in their relationship with food and eating, and in their relationship with themselves.

A dear cousin of mine elected to have this surgery. He was inspired, in part, by the birth of a grandchild. New life reminded him that he could actually determine his own life.  After decades of staying the course, he opted to initiate dramatic change.

It took some getting used to, actually, to see the features of his face after the surgery. I couldn’t get over how much he had grown to look like his father. Being with him after the surgery was an inspiration. His life had a renewed sense of purpose.

What strikes me is that he took back the reins of his life when he had a strong enough motivation to do so. He came to the recognition that, to be fully present for his loved ones, he had to do something to help himself. And it was not a little something (no pun intended).

Classic lesson, isn’t it? Sure enough, you can’t help others if you don’t help yourself. But I think it’s actually a two-part lesson. To take care of yourself, to hold the reins tight, it helps to figure out what motivates you. What’s important enough to get you to slam on the breaks, or climb back over the edge, if the need arises?

Wherever you are when facing a situation seemingly out of control – in charge of the reins, on auto-pilot or hands up in surrender – these two lessons are a guide on the path to recovery:

            • self-care is a gift to those you love, and

            • figuring out what motivates you is a powerful agent for change

It’s no coincidence, of course, that heeding these lessons can help prevent you from getting to the edge in the first place.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus is a Life, Leadership and Parenting Coach and the founder of Touchstone Coaching and ImpactADHD™. She is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist.

Read more articles by Elaine Taylor-Klaus here.

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