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Sibling relationships are like no other. There is a commonality that does not exist in other relationships. When a sibling dies, the loss can be overpowering. 

Even as adults, siblings are often thought of as the “forgotten mourners.” Friends and neighbors offer comfort and support to mom and dad, but often neglect siblings, disenfranchising their grief.  

Siblings share a special bond and a special history. When a sibling dies, this history is shattered and a void is created. The future is altered. Special occasions will never be the same. Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays are bittersweet. A sibling cannot pick up the phone and call her sister to tell her the “good news”… or the “bad news.” And while the bereaved do adjust, life is different.  It is forever changed.

Guilt can accompany sibling grief.  As adults age and go their separate ways, communication and maintaining relationships often go by the wayside. When a sibling dies, the surviving sibling may feel as though they hadn’t done enough for the relationship and guilt sets in.

Anger is another common grief reaction. After the death, roles change. Surviving siblings may wonder who will take over the care of aging parents or surviving nieces and nephews.

There’s also the fear of mortality. Brothers and sisters look at their own lives and wonder if they might be next.

Positive change also occurs after the death of a sibling. Surviving siblings can begin a period of deep self-reflection and begin to make significant life changes.  Maintaining a connection with the deceased sibling brings comfort. Honor and remember them. Talk about them at family gatherings. 

Some bereaved are able to create legacies through foundations or charities. Nancy Brinker founded Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation in her sister’s loving memory. By remembering siblings, their legacy lives on.

As I write this, I think about how blessed I am to have my three sisters and brother. I define myself by my relationships with them and I cannot imagine my life without any of them.

For more on sibling grief, check out The Sibling Connection at www.counselingstlouis.net and P. Gill White’s book Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother.

Diane Snyder Cowan is the mother of two grown daughters and a national leader in using music in grief therapy, as well as the director of Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center of Hospice of the Western Reserve in Cleveland, Ohio.   She is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist. To learn more about Diane, visit her blog.  

Read other Diane Snyder Cowan columns here. 

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