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It’s four in the morning. The phone rings. No one’s there. Caller ID says it’s my daughter in LA. My heart pounds. I call back. It goes straight to voice mail. I text, but there’s no response. I wait - check my email and find a disturbing message. I call again. Finally she answers. My phone is acting weird. Sorry. I’m fine.

I cannot fall back to sleep. I am concocting a response to her email in my head.

John saw a biker get hit by a car. I only saw the aftermath. Lots of blood and the guy wasn't moving. The entire windshield was smashed. It was horrifying. The girl who hit him was like broken with sobs. Do you know how i could find out if the biker died? Is it weird that I'm really shaken up?

Do I give her my clinical response? Or my mom response?  Oh, and let me  mention that after having two cars totaled this past year, my daughter has been talking about getting a Vespa? It’s not a motorcycle, mom. It’s a scooter. Oy vey!

In the morning I send her an email (mom/clinical version) and ask that she call me. She’s still very shaken and I debrief her as I have debriefed several other young people who have witnessed traumatic events.  Only I didn’t tell her it was a debriefing.  I just followed the steps, asked the right questions and let her talk and talk and talk.

Many of us experience sudden traumatic death. The inconceivable happens – a special person dies in an unexpected and traumatic way. This may be a family member, a co-worker, a friend, or the neighbor down the street. The cause can be murder, suicide, car accident, natural or man-made disasters.

When an event happens that falls outside our usual experience, it can shatter our sense of well-being.   We experience very strong reactions that include fear, helplessness, shock, anger, and, sometimes, horror.  These reactions are normal and they can be overwhelming. 

Traumatic stress impacts our bodies, our thinking, our emotions and our behavior.  The signs and symptoms of a stress reaction may last a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or longer, depending on the severity of the traumatic death.  

There are a number of things that can help during this very difficult time:

·      Maintain as normal a schedule as possible

·      Follow the basics for good health

·      Reduce other stressors as much as possible

·      Be aware of numbing the pain with drugs or alcohol

·      Talk, talk, talk

·      Do things that feel good to you

·      Give yourself permission to feel the pain and share these feelings

·      Don't feel the need to fight reoccurring thoughts, dreams or flashbacks; they are normal and will   decrease overtime and become less painful

Remember you are not going crazy.  Your reactions are normal.  However there are times when a traumatic death is so painful that professional assistance may be helpful.  Seek professional help if anger, anxiety and depression persist, worsen or begin to interfere with your life, job or relationships.

Diane Snyder Cowan is the mother of two grown daughters and a national leader in using music in grief therapy, as well as the director of Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center of Hospice of the Western Reserve in Cleveland, Ohio.   She is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist. To learn more about Diane, visit her blog.  

Read other Diane Snyder Cowan columns here. 

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