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For the past 10 years I have written an annual column on coping with the holidays. Each year I get asked, “How will I ever get through the holidays?”  For so many bereaved, this will be the first holiday season without their deceased love one. 

The first year is difficult. The second and third year can be pretty tough too.

The first year, things may seem surreal. Perhaps you decided to take a vacation or have dinner at your auntie’s home. You may still be in a fog. Then the second or third holiday season comes around and reality sets in. Your deceased love one will not be present. If you always had Christmas dinner at mom’s or potato latkes at Aunt Marsha’s, you may now have to be the host of such gatherings. Although you start a new tradition, you still can honor your loved one. Cook a favorite dish, take time to share stories, or give to a charity in honor of him or her.

The glitz and glitter in the stores, the holiday specials on TV, the celebratory foods, the music, as well as secular and religious events combine to offer the bereaved a roller coaster ride of emotions. 

What can one do?!

Kenneth Doka writes about the three c’s of coping with the holidays - choose, communicate, compromise. Choose what you want to do.  Communicate your choices (especially if it affects them). And compromise. We each cope with stress and grief in our own way. There can be five adult children who have differing ideas on how to celebrate without mom. Talk it out.  

My favorite holiday story is that of a woman who told me she decorated her Christmas tree with her mother’s costume jewelry. That tribute must have been a spectacular and dazzling sight.

Here’s a list of suggestions we offer in the bereavement center.

·      Plan ahead.

·      Do what you want, not what you feel you should do.

·      Surround yourself with those who are supportive and understanding.

·      Lower your expectations during the holiday season.

·      Allow someone else to do the baking, cooking and decorating this year.

·      If you go to an event, take your own car so that you can leave when you choose.

·      Shop using catalogs or the Internet or don’t shop at all this year!

I have always encouraged folks to take their own car to events throughout the year so they can make an early departure. Now I add, park in the street so your car doesn’t get blocked in the driveway. There’s nothing like trying making a quick getaway when you have to ask three people to move their car!

Most importantly – be as kind to yourself as you would be a grieving friend.

Wishing you peace in your heart and peace in the world.

Diane Snyder Cowan is the mother of two grown daughters and a national leader in using music in grief therapy, as well as the director of Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center of Hospice of the Western Reserve in Cleveland, Ohio.   She is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist. To learn more about Diane, visit her blog.

 Read other Diane Snyder Cowan columns here. 

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