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Each year from November 1 to January 1, the hot topic on many a therapist’s couch is the anxiety leading up to and the emotional fallout following, the family visit.  Here are the top 10 ideas that shrinks ‘round the nation will be sharing with their clientele this holiday season.

1.   Pick the optimal time period: Between visits home, it’s normal to idealize family time.  We tend to remember (or create a fantasy about) a warm, cozy feeling of togetherness…and forget (or repress) the discomfort of mom’s judgmental looks or sister’s competiveness.  When planning a visit, be honest with yourself about the optimal number of days (or hours) it takes for everyone to start getting on each others’ nerves. Perhaps it’s four days at a beach house, one night at the in-laws or just lunch at a restaurant.  Despite family pressure, be assertive about what time frame works best for you.

2.   Get a separate space: If you need your own space separate from the family compound, see if there is a place that you can stay nearby.  This way lifestyle issues (the early morning jogger versus. the one who sleeps until noon) are less likely to cause friction. 

3.   Have an escape plan:  Try to have access to a car so you can escape for an hour or two, if necessary.  If you’re stuck without a vehicle, take a walk when things get uncomfortable.  There’s nothing like fresh air and a little exercise to shift your perspective and get those calming endorphins pumping.

4.   Have a text buddy: Arrange to text someone outside of the family who can be a life-line for you in case the walls start closing in:“OMG, in-laws making me crazy.”  Symbolically stepping outside of the situation, having a place to vent and finding a humorous angle on the tension can help keep you sane.  

5.   Write: It’s normal to regress when you’re around your family; you can almost feel yourself growing younger as you pass through the doorway of your childhood home.  The old familiar smells, the flowered wallpaper and worn-out shag rug in your bedroom can cause a flood of anxiety. While you may not remember actual events, your body has stored “emotional memories.”  Long-buried feelings of loneliness, anxiety or sadness can be triggered by the sounds, sights and smells of home.  Bring a notebook and write about the feelings and memories that bubble up.  Imagine the adult-you talking to the kid-you, telling her “It gets better” (or whatever else you needed to hear and believe back then).  This can actually promote the healing of old wounds.

6.   Stay sober:  While it’s tempting to hit the bottle to calm the nerves, this actually makes it more likely you will play your role in the old family drama.  Brain imaging studies show that alcohol numbs your frontal lobe.  This means any “new learning” that has taken place (e.g. the work you’ve done or insights you’ve had in therapy since leaving home) are erased as soon as the pinot hits your brain.  At that point you have full access to your “monkey brain” (where memories and intense emotions are stored) with nobody up front minding the store.  Better to stay sober so you can avoid a regrettable squabble.

7.   Imagine an Invisible Shield:  If you are a visual person, imagine you have an invisible shield about one foot away from your entire body.  Any communication coming your way, whether verbal or non-verbal, is stopped, evaluated and filtered out at this barrier.  This gives you a moment to decide whether and how you want to respond and creates a psychological defense that actually works better at protecting you than alcohol (plus, no hangover!). 

8.   Become a reporter:  When you imagine yourself going home, pretend that you are a reporter sent to write a story about the dynamics and patterns of this particular family.  Rather than suddenly feeling like your 14-year-old self, you’ll think, “Wow, that mother just engaged in a powerful guilt-inducing tactic aimed at her family.  Let’s see how they respond.  Hmmm, it worked quite well with Brad, but Janet just got angry.  Fascinating!”  If you log your observations as simply data for your story, you’re less likely to be pulled in to the unfolding drama.     

9.   Do the opposite:  When I was 10, our family took a beach trip with my cousins.  The typical pattern was that my brother enlisted our three boy cousins to gang up on me to make me cry.  Before this trip, I was determined to change the pattern.  When they dunked me underwater, I laughed and fought back.  When they teased me, I wrestled with them and we ended up giggling on the floor.  Once they realized they couldn’t “get” me anymore, the fun of being mean vanished.  We had the best vacation we’d ever had together.  Just think about how you typically react, and be like George Costanza in Seinfeld: do the opposite!  

10. Shift perspective:  Imagine your parents and siblings as little children inside of grown-up bodies.  Instead of seeing your father as a tyrant, imagine him as a toddler having a tantrum.  Instead of viewing your mother as a judgmental shrew, see her as the insecure teen she once was.  These techniques remove family members’ power and help you feel some compassion for them. Seeing them in this light makes it less likely you’ll respond to them like the kid who saw them as larger-than-life.  This perspective shift typically comes when your parents are elderly or ill.  When you see them as fallible and human, you’re less likely to feel so defensive. But you don’t have to wait until the end is near to start viewing them differently.  Do it now, and you may forge a more loving bond that will make future family vacations a time of meaningful connection rather than a torturous obligation.  

Dina Zeckhausen is a nationally-known clinical psychologist and author who specializes in treating eating disorders and body image in both adults and adolescents. She is a weekly columnist for ShareWiK.com. You can visit her on the web at dinazeckhausen.com and MyEdin.org.

More Dina Zeckhausen articles, click here.

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