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One of the most helpful things I did after my 25-year marriage dissolved was to enroll in a Divorce Recovery program.  I was already in a divorce support group, but the recovery program was limited to 8 weeks with specific topics to be examined.  The group was considered non-denominational, but it was led by a minister who had specific training in this subject.  I joined about one year after my actual separation, which was probably an optimal time for my “recovery.”  I was able to be more objective, given the time and space from the initial breakup.

For me, the best exercise from the program was the chapter on “Forgiveness.” It consisted of three actions – and this is my takeaway (with apologies to the author):

1.  Ask forgiveness from your Higher Power

This is particularly important if you are a believer – regardless of whether you actively attend a faith community or not.  For those whose marriage ceremonies are performed by clergy, marriage is considered a sacred vow.  To ask forgiveness from God, Yaweh, Allah is to acknowledge that the vows you took have been broken, no matter who may be “at fault.”  There is no more “until death do us part.”  You’ve kicked the problem upstairs when you ask for spiritual forgiveness.

2.  Forgive yourself

Face it.  You made a mistake in choosing your spouse.  No amount of hand-wringing can change that, regardless of where you want to place the fault or blame.  Your decision was based on the best available information for you, your mutual life circumstances, and your needs at that particular time in your history.  That time was unique and will never occur again.  The end of a marriage is never 100% one party’s fault – each person contributes to its death by acts of omission or commission.  Frequently, it is a slow process that is barely perceptible – like grains of sand falling through an hourglass until there is no more sand left at the top.  The time for the survival of your marriage is up.

3.     Ask your former spouse to forgive you

What?!?  That’s what I said: Ask your former spouse to forgive you – with no expectation that he/she will do the same.  You are responsible for the ways you contributed to this marriage, aren’t you?  Then you also had a hand in its downfall, regardless of whether or not you are the injured party.  You need to take responsibility for what you did, or left undone, that became part of the mutual collective that created the collapse of the relationship.

Be prepared for your ex not to understand this request.  Mine did it to humor me, saying, “I don’t have anything to forgive you for.”  I explained that I needed his forgiveness in order to move on.  It was humbling to make the request, but it was also freeing in a very real way for me.  I feel that was a turning point in my grieving process – no matter how off-handedly he dismissed it.  I didn’t do it for him.  I did it for me.

I continued to go to the support group for about two months after the recovery class ended.  I can’t express enough how helpful that 15-month process was for me.  I don’t think the recovery class alone would have been sufficient to get me through the first year or so. 

One evening, I announced to the group that it would be my last meeting.  The therapist looked at me and said, “Just why do you think you don’t need this group any longer?”  I replied, “Because I no longer feel ‘divorced,’ I feel ‘single.’”

She said, “That’s the best answer I’ve ever heard.”

Brenda Horne is the CEO of Healthcare Charities. 

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