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Years ago, when I asked a librarian to assist me in finding a book that would help me pitch my essays to magazine editors, a smile slid across her face until she was positively beaming. 

“You’re a writer!” she exclaimed. “I’ve always wanted to write. I always tell my friend, Bob, how I’m going to be a writer someday. But Bob, he just rolls his eyes. He says ‘Laura, writers write. They don’t talk about writing. They don’t dream about it. They do it.’ I suppose he’s right. But who has the time? Maybe when I retire …”

She delivered her last line with such resignation, and I remember standing there beside her among the stacks of books, wondering about this woman who had gone from bubbly to flat so suddenly.  I wanted to encourage her, but I wasn’t about to lie. Her friend, Bob was right, I told her. Writers do, in fact, write. And one day, if she really wanted to write, if it was truly important to her, I was sure she’d make the time to do so.

The other day, my conversation with Laura the librarian popped into my head. Maybe it was because I had been thinking about the flowerbeds in our backyard, and how I had been talking about “doing something different” back there since we’d moved into our home, nearly seven years ago. For years, I’d been paging through gardening books carefully copying the names of plants that might look nice here and there. Dreaming and scheming. Squinting my eyes until I could visualize a Zen garden behind the garage. A herb garden on the opposite side of the yard. I was going to “do something different” in the backyard, I kept telling myself. Someday …

It seemed that the librarian and I had a little something in common. Not that she and I are alone, by any stretch of the imagination. So many of us say we want to accomplish something, whether it’s writing a novel, losing weight or creating a Zen garden. So we talk about it and think about it. But big surprise, nothing happens, if we don’t actually figure out what’s holding us back and take action.

As a coach, I tell clients that before they decide to work toward a goal that they first need to be clear about why that goal is so important to them and become aware of what’s holding them back from taking action.

Since Laura wasn’t a client, we never got that far in the conversation. But if she and I had been working together, I would have asked her why it was so important for her to be a writer. In other words, what was her motivation? Was it all about self-expression and exercising her creativity? Or was it was about leaving a legacy? Or maybe she wanted to use writing to help heal an emotional wound from her childhood.

Once she was aware of her motivation for becoming a writer, we would have looked at what was holding her back. The thing is that we often say we don’t have the time to do this or that, but usually the obstacle is much deeper than that.

In many cases, what’s holding us back is our limiting beliefs, rules we were taught – implicitly or explicitly – in childhood such as “I can’t write my way out of a paper bag” or “writing is worthless unless it pays the bills,” or maybe something broader like “I don’t deserve to have fun until all my chores are done” or “if I can’t do something perfectly it isn’t worth doing.”

So often, it is these unwritten contracts we unconsciously agreed to years ago that keep us from doing what we want to do. So part of the work is to examine those beliefs, consider whether they are true for us and decide whether we want to continue to believe them or adopt some new “rules” that serve us better and allow us to take the action necessary to accomplish our goals.

As I mentioned earlier, I don’t pretend to be perfect, and realize that I need to look at my own motivation and my own limiting beliefs when they appear to be blocking me from reaching my goals. So the other day, I did just that. I broke out my journal and did a little journaling about why I wanted to create change in our garden.

After writing for awhile, I realized that my desire is not so much about creating change as it is about wanting to make gardening a spiritual practice. You see, one of the ways I connect with my higher power is by spending time in nature. So I figured why not extend that spiritual connection into our garden? I could create a place that nurtures inner peace and healing, right here in our backyard, a place where humans and animals alike feel at home.

When I started looking at which beliefs might be holding me back from spending time in the garden, things got really interesting. It turns out that one of my limiting beliefs is “I have a brown thumb.” Another is “I can’t keep anything alive.” Both of those lovely beliefs were handed down from my Mom, and even though she planted those not so healthy seeds in my mind many years ago, I hadn’t forgotten them. In fact, I’d adopted them without even being aware of them, at least on a conscious level.

Now I could blame my Mom and accuse her of preventing me from reaching my dreams. And the fact is that what she said to me was mean and hurtful. No question. But my Mom died last year, so it seems senseless to accuse her of holding me back. I’m the one that’s allowing myself to be held back, and it’s my responsibility to plant healthier beliefs in my mind.

So how can I do that? Well, instead of believing “I have a brown thumb,” I can choose to affirm these new beliefs instead: “I can create a garden that I enjoy spending time in” or “I love to spend time in our backyard, gardening.” Or “When I’m gardening, I’m at peace.”

I won’t pretend that changing these beliefs will be easy. I’ve been carrying them around for many years. And change can take time. But it’s definitely worth the effort. These new beliefs will propel me forward rather than paralyzing me. And that’s important because if I don’t change my beliefs I’ll be dreaming of someday for the rest of my life.

So, how about you? Are you always talking about losing weight or writing the great American novel, but never taking any action? What do you think is holding you back? I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on ShareWIK.com.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH, and a regular columnist on ShareWIK.com.  Visit her website at http://ellen-brown.com. 

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