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Why do happy, satisfied married couples have so little spontaneous sex? (My apologies to those couples that actually do have spontaneous sex. Perhaps you can write in and let us know how you do it?) 

The first obvious impediment to spontaneous sex is lack of time. Increasingly, we live in a world where our schedules rule. Who has time for sex when you are busy rushing kids to practice, calling clients or returning one last e-mail until the very moment your he

Leslie sat in an extra chair in my office, not on the couch next to Robert as she usually did. I looked at Robert and he looked weary.

“I’m mad as hell,” Leslie started. “He stayed out until 3:00 in the morning without calling me.” Turning to Robert, “You have no respect for my feelings…you never have and you never will. You’re such a self-centered sonofabitch. I’m at home trying to get s

There are key skills that can make or break relationships. One such skill is the ability to apologize. The typical (ineffective) apology goes something like this:

1.     I’m sorry this happened, but You….blah blah blah…(did XYZ to cause me to do this)

2.     OK, I said I’m sorry, now get over it.

Getting to the point of forgiveness for a hurtful transgression by a significant other is an exhausting and sometimes messy dance.  Successful resolution of the process eventually allows the forgiver to be free from their pain and suffering while the forgiven develops a deeper appreciation and empathy for the effects of the behavior on his or her partner. The couple should emerge from the trauma emotionally closer with a deeper appreciation for each other.

Last time I introduced Jim who came to see me for help dealing with the fallout from his having had emotional affair with his college girlfriend. (See last column…)

(1)  Open your eyes. 

       Or better yet open all your senses.  Being present is THE KEY to being good at giving and receiving pleasure. If you find yourself paying your bills, preparing your grocery list, re-painting the ceiling or re-playing an earlier discussion, get out of your thoughts and into the moment.  Unless you’re an amazing multi-tasker, seeing your partner in a sexual way and preparing your grocery list should be mutually exclusive activities.

Men who ejaculate prematurely almost always masturbate too fast. Last week I shared a first therapy session with Larry, a young man who ejaculated almost immediately after entering his wife. (click here to read that column)

When Larry returned for our next session, he told me he had masturbated every day since our last session.  Although he found it difficult to fit it into his busy life, he was committed to the process. When I asked Larry about using the techniques I had mentioned in the last session, such as squeezing at the base of his penis when he felt himself becoming too aroused and moving his hand more slowly, he sheepishly admitted he hadn’t really done “too much with that part of the homework.”

Larry called for help with premature ejaculation (PE). He left a message saying he was convinced his wife was going to divorce him because of his “sexual issues.” When I met him in the waiting room he raced past me to my office and fell into his seat. He shook his head from side to side and struggled for words.

“I’ve put off getting help for twenty years,” he finally said. “I just couldn’t face it. I’ve had a problem with PE since my first girlfriend and I just thought it would go away.”

  Years ago, I taught college-level Human Sexuality.  Every year I gave a lecture that was titled on the syllabus, “Sexuality: The Early, Dysfunctional Years.” The lecture was on Premature Ejaculation and women’s inability to have an orgasm during sex.  This lecture was always crowded and I could sense the anxiety in the room when I arrived.  As I spoke, I could actually see students exhale.  I began as follows:

What turns you on? 

I’m not talking about where and how you want to be touched.  I’m asking you to think about what is the fantasy underlying your sexual desire. As I said last time, there are two broad forms of fantasy; one is the fantasy of soul-level, tender love so popular with intimate 21st century lovers. The other is the fantasy of power and submission that has dominated animal and human sexuality since all this got started.

I want to share the experience of a very special man’s journey with the diagnosis of prostate cancer. The Reverend Paul W. Zeckhausen, my wife’s uncle, was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 1992. Six months after his diagnosis he gave a sermon to his congregation and I have borrowed and slightly edited his sermon with his brother’s permission. Following Paul’s words is a postscript from his brother, Bill Zeckhausen.

Paul’s words:

“This past December I felt as healthy as at any time I can remember. In mid-December I had a routine exam of my prostate, casually assuming to be reassured that “everything is just fine.”  However, upon finishing the doctor was frowning and said that it was probably nothing to be concerned about, but he didn’t like the way it felt.  He wanted me to have a blood test known as a PSA or Prostate Specific Antigen.  

I was confident that the blood test would show that indeed there was nothing to worry about. But in fact, the results pointed toward