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Months ago, I reached out to a friend to share some insights on deepening intimacy, and she replied, “There’s a four letter word ending in K that’s vital to keeping love alive in a relationship.” 

In college, professors taught us about basic 4 F’s - feeding, fleeing, flying and fornication – so my inner adolescent boy was immediately intrigued. But Diana was teasing. What she really meant was T-A-L-K.

I asked her to teach me more, since that is her vocation. As an intimacy coach and mentor, Diana Daffner is committed to sacred sexuality as both a life path and a wisdom tool. Since just the mention of Tantra can give some people the heebie jeebies, and make others imagine contortions and all night sex, which may or may not be a wanted thing, I’ve shied away from this language for the most part in this column. However you label it, mindfulness in love simply invites us to experience our relationships differently, and to approach communication with an ear towards the heart.

 “Most couples engage in everyday conversations… the practical and important stuff related to the kids, the house, health and financial issues, and vacation plans, etc,” she said. Tantra adds another layer, encouraging T-A-L-K that redirects a couple to their breathing, their heart connection, and exploring what brings them pleasure and joy. And then Diana offered some easy to follow guidelines to help couples that may be bored, or shy or simply curious about other ways to experience lovemaking.

1. Create a sacred space for you and your beloved that is free from clutter, worries and anxieties. Candles, soft lighting, etc are recommended if romance is your shtick. The important thing is that you are both relaxed and present with one another.

2. Hold one another in a Tantra breathing embrace.  It is important that you connect physically and emotionally with one another, so use pillows and props if you need to hold one another comfortably in this manner. Then take deep breathes together. Feel your bodies expand and contract in rhythm together. Take as much time as you need to settle into one another's sensual space. You may start to get aroused. That's okay. Just wait. Pleasure is on its way.

3. Taking turns, set aside a few minutes for each of you to share what you enjoy sexually. This is a time for one partner to speak at a time, uninterrupted, while being held and listened to by the other. Some good questions to answer: “How do you like to be touched?” or, “I like having my breasts/genitals/abdomen stroked like this…” You can also pre-write your own question(s) to ask.

4. Listen to each other’s answers without responding. Give your most spontaneous answer without censoring yourself. Encourage the partner who is talking to continue if they stumble for words, or become embarrassed. It's important to gently push through stumbling blocks.

5. Have no expectations or agenda. Your partner may say something that surprises you. “You mean all this time I thought I was rubbing you just fine, when you really wanted it harder? Why didn’t you say so earlier?!” You may think these sorts of things, but let critical thoughts go. The idea is that you both become bold enough to answer intimate questions without shame or fear.

Enough with the talk from me. Sometimes we just need gentle nudges to redirect our efforts with our beloveds. Consider this a push in the right direction - towards your private sanctuary and gift of mindfulness in the bedroom.

Tinamarie is a regular contributor for ShareWIK.com.  She also writes for Greenprophet.com, Fearlesspress.com and Sexis Magazine.  You can find her blog at www.tinamariebernard.com.

Read more Tinamarie columns here. 


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